Will Hutcherson is an American pastor and speaker. He has devoted his career to speaking about mental health in children and teenagers. His non-profit, Curate Hope, meets at schools to speak about mental health and educate teenagers. Alongside his work with youth, Hutcherson also organizes workshops for parents, on issues of mental health with an emphasis on practical guidance. Dr. Chinwé Williams is a counselor and speaker. When she is not operating her own counseling practice, Williams is an avid teacher, researcher, and consultant on mental health and counseling. In Seen, Hutcherson and Williams introduce parents to issues in mental health, providing knowledge and tools to support and speak hope into the lives of their depressed children.

In understanding the clinical, physiological side of mental health, it is important to understand a bit about the brain. The brain is divided into two hemispheres, which generally correspond to two distinct aspects of our minds. On the left side of the brain, logic, planning, and reasoning occur, whereas on the right side, emotion, instinct, and appetite arise. Oftentimes one will hear someone say they’re “left-brained” or “right-brained” which refers to their personality and decision making.

Though the brain is much more complicated than this dichotomy, these two general spheres represent the processes carried out routinely as we live, work, and play. The synchronicity between these two spheres is essential for our health and well-being. When our mental health declines and we begin to despair, what often is occurring is a dis-pairing (or decoupling) between the hemispheres of our brain.

People beginning to slip into despair often feel numb. Many report feeling dissociated from their own lives, as if they are just passing through their days, ground down by their sorrow. The numbness they feel is often not a lack of feeling, but rather reflects an overwhelming rush of unidentifiable feelings. Physiologically, the hemispheres of the brain are desynchronized, and no longer correspond appropriately as they should. The right side of the brain is stimulated by increased levels of stress, which leads to a build up of intense emotions. Emotions normally rebalance the brain to equilibrium, but in cases like these, the logical processes on the left side of the brain cannot utilize the emotions. They are too built up and intense. Breakdowns between the hemispheres occur.

Depression and anxiety are deepened by this disconnect in the brain. Thankfully, there are five “pairing keys” that can aid in the process of healing through the power of connection. Loving those who are depressed or anxious can be challenging because they themselves often do not know how to clearly articulate their feelings. Nonetheless, the way forward is together in conversation, connecting with your child as his or her brain makes its own connections stronger again.

It is amazing how easy it is to not be present to those around us. We can sometimes think as we grow older that we’ll master the art of listening, caring, and conversing with others. This is patently unrealistic, because it is always easy to ignore others, give them half of our effort, and tune out people who get in the way of our interests and aims. Unfortunately, this often lets bad trends become worse, especially when our loved ones need extra support and care.

Genuinely showing up in the lives of the mentally afflicted means being on standby. Rather than fixing issues or smothering them with affection and encouragement, we must give them the space to breathe and feel less alone. Showing up means proactively initiating moments of quality time and conversation. By being on standby, we gain insight into what our children care about and are afraid of. But more importantly, we gain insight into their behavior changes, changes that might signify deepening depression or anxiety.

Alongside the vigilance needed to observe how your child feels and acts, being present is essential to any serious conversation. This means no oscillating between activities, avoiding eye contact, or voicing half-minded responses. True empathy for a hurting son or daughter entails a commitment to hearing how they feel and ultimately stepping into their feelings as well. In doing this, our children will recognize, if nothing else, that they are seen.

It is easy to get frustrated with children, especially when they are acting out or withdrawn. It is harder to be present with them when it feels like they want no one around, especially their parents. When faced with this challenge, it is important to acknowledge that their behavior reflects underlying motivations.

Sometimes this means asking what may have happened earlier that day, or in their past. Past trauma can leave scars that cause children to lash out, especially if that trauma is compounded by repeated instances of abuse or neglect. What needs to change in general is the main question we ask regarding a child’s poor behavior. Instead of asking “Why are they doing that?” we should ask “Where are they coming from?”

This is where as parents we must walk alongside our children. Not only does this mean we reflect on their behavior, but also we lead them to examine their behavior and help them along the way. Since mental illnesses physiologically debilitate our brain’s capacity to process emotion and execute clear thinking, stepping in as the parent often means helping to recreate this process with our child. We are trying to bring the right-brain work back together with left-brain work, so the child can clear away some of their burdens. Bearing a mental illness often crushes a child underneath intense emotional pressure. It seems easier and safer just to stow away emotional issues instead of trying to work through them. Coming alongside our children to help them lift some weight off, bit by bit, is like giving them a breath of fresh air.

It is hard to listen, and even harder to listen quietly to one’s own child. Talking to them and telling them “the way things ought to be” is a characteristic of parental authority. It can be challenging as a child grows older to listen as they assert their own independence. Furthermore, if a child develops mental health issues, it can become harder to be patient as they navigate these new experiences. The third pairing key, however, is proper listening.

While the second key emphasizes attentiveness to a child and an inquisitive attitude, this can often become marred by a fix-it mentality that talks over the child. Rather than giving a child control of the conversation to share their suffering, a parent can keep them from opening up by talking about the issue from their own perspective. Healing begins, however, when space is made for the child to share their perspective, and  parents talk less.

Sharing the conversational space is not easy, especially when parents have to deal with the volatile emotions of a child who may even blame them for their condition. It is important in these moments to refrain from lashing out, because even if the child is misperceiving their situation, they can only respond to someone stepping into their perspective and helping guide them out of it.

In this pairing key, asking the right question must be subjugated under statements like “tell me more.” Using language like this consistently refocuses the conversation on the child and their own perspective. Helping them process their thoughts verbally will enable them to understand their emotions more clearly. This phase of the conversation is important, because there needs to be a balance between restraint from talking too much, and healthy contribution that preserves their space in the conversation.

More than speaking specific words, avoiding specific phrases is helpful. Phrases such as “How are you?” or “Why do you feel like this?” often are empty general questions that do not promote conversation. Others, such as “don’t cry” or “you’ll get over this” are harsh and blunt the child’s willingness to be vulnerable with their concerns and issues. Ultimately, all of these phrases are small examples to avoid while seeking the actual pairing key here. To support the child through silence and empathetic comments in an open conversational space ushers in new healing.

It is important that the first three keys are receptive rather than overactive. Showing up, seeing their frustrations, and listening to their experiences are crucial for forging a place of care and support. All three of these keys necessitate an openness to the child’s perspective, which requires a commitment of time and energy. In the fourth key, a response to the child begins with the parent. This key is “speaking life.”

Speaking life is about the words used to respond to someone about their mental illness. It means intentionally using words that are fruitful, purposeful, and positive. The human brain is wired to perceive negative words as threats to its survival. Thus, the brain prioritizes those words, keeping them at the foreground over positive words or sentiments. When trauma and relational abuse causes or intensifies mental illness, it will feel like an uphill battle to break patterns of negative thinking that result from negative words.

But simply giving “positive vibes” or generic platitudes is not the same as speaking life. Speaking life means planting realistic, positive words in the mind of a hurting child, so they can learn a new, truer image of themselves. Three adjectives that describe speaking life are as follows: simple, specific, and repetitious. Not just any positive words will work, but ones that actually correspond to and describe the child as they are, even if they do not see themselves that way. Phrases like “I’m proud of you” and “You’re amazing” are good, and should give way to specific examples in the child’s life. Moreover, because habitual, self-denigrating thoughts are so pernicious, positive affirmation must be shared consistently, over and over again. It is easy to ignore a nice comment here or there. Ignoring the loving words of a kind-hearted parent that are heard daily is much harder.

With consistent verbal affirmation, a child’s brain will start adapting to the new source of affection and value being lavished upon them. Healthy mental habits come with a healthier brain that rewires itself to receive love and thoughts of self-worth. 

Many of the previous pairing keys can be likened to the work of a farmer. The farmer must show up, recognize the structure of his land and the nature of his soil, and then sow seeds that will bear fruit. Likewise, the parent coping with their child’s mental health will help them reharmonize their brains and reorder their image of themselves. Doing this entails knowing where your child is and where they think they are going, and helping lead them to a new place. The final pairing key is building grit. Doing this will build confidence and protect the seeds of encouragement sown through conversation.

Grit, or resilience, is sustained persistence toward a goal. Persistence in dealing with mental health is built upon developing emotional competence, which begets confidence. Confidence enables the child to grapple with suffering and adversity, which are inevitable in any life. Here, more than in any other pairing key, the parent can model for the child what it means to have grit. Parents have experience navigating adversity and sorrow in ways children do not.

Even if you did not have mental health struggles like your child, you are able to share your own experiences of dealing with adversity and seasons of overwhelming emotions. For children dealing with mental illnesses, hearing these experiences from a mature role model is especially important, because they are disadvantaged by their self-doubt. When they struggle, it is important to avoid both coddling and neglecting them. To coddle them would be to resolve their problems for the sake of a short-term release of anxiety. To neglect them would be to abandon them without help for navigating their increasingly complex lives.

Instead of either option, parents must act like guides. Guides help others circumvent some challenges without avoiding the real effort required for a journey. Pointing out a challenge and supporting a child through it entails constant presence, consistent support, and a respect for their own space and personhood, as they seek to grow in their ability to live well.