According to Gary Chapman, the foundation of a child’s healthy development is love. So it is vital to communicate love to a child, but it’s not just a matter of saying the words “I love you.” This book is about learning how to say, “I love you” in a way your child understands, whether that’s through physical touch, receiving gifts, acts of service, quality time, or words of affirmation. Relationships within the family become less tense, stressful, and more enjoyable for everyone when parents learn to speak their child’s language.

As with adults, children have emotional love tanks that need to be filled. Frequently. And just like adults, children act out when they start running on emotional fumes. The solution is to learn your child’s love language and speak it to them often.

Love is the foundation of a child’s healthy development. If you learn the languages that resonate with your children, you will notice these relationships become stronger and more relaxed, and not just with your child, but with others you are close to.

When we talk about love, it’s important to clarify what that love is. Your child needs unconditional love, which is a way of saying real love, the kind of love that accepts someone for who they are rather than what they do or don’t do.

Unfortunately, some parents love their children for something other than who they are. These kids are loved so far as they meet parental expectations. This love is conditional. Conditional love is a common experience for kids who got rewards and perks for being well behaved or for whom those gifts and rewards were withheld for failing to perform in the preferred manner.

Unconditional love is the key, the key to truly understanding your child and her actions, good or bad. It is the way that leads to confidence and security rather than fear, guilt, shame, and, later down the line, resentment.

There are a host of challenges that stand in the way of rearing an emotionally healthy kid: excessive screen time, rising rates of narcissism, declining presence of church and voluntary associations contributing to society, and so on. Still, there is hope. The goal of a loving relationship with your child is not unrealistic. It begins with learning your child’s love language. Whether it’s physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or words of affirmation, find their love language, and speak it to them no matter what: regardless of their looks, their skills, their impediments, regardless of their performance and regardless of any bad behavior. You don’t have to love their bad behavior, but they need to know you love them. If they are acting out, it’s not time to punish them; it’s just a sign that their emotional love tank is empty. Fill it and they will be much more receptive to your input.

There’s nothing passive or indulgent about this approach. It is a question of order of operation. If you discipline your kids without filling up their love tank first, it’s a recipe for resentment. True unconditional love will not spoil children. There’s no such thing as too much of it.

Of course, no one does this perfectly. And some parents never saw it modeled when they were growing up. If that was your experience growing up, it might feel strange or forced at first, but as you practice it you’ll find love and ease growing in your relationship with your kids.

Gifts? Words of affirmation? Acts of service? Quality time? Physical touch? Which love language seems to be your child’s heart language? How does a parent discern that?  

Remember that young kids are constantly experimenting with ways of interacting, of discovering which ways of giving and receiving love are the most gratifying. It is important to be patient in the process. You won’t be able to identify the child’s love language in a day or week, especially if the child is young. Young children can become fixated on one language for a few months, and then move on to something different.

Pay attention to how your child expresses love to you. It can be an indication of how they receive love. This strategy works best with younger kids. It’s not as reliable a guide for adolescents. Teenagers can be good at manipulating situations. For example, your high schooler might drop hints that she feels loved through gifts while also going out of her way to compliment you. Maybe receiving gifts truly is her love language, and maybe she is genuinely affirming you in your love language. But it’s also possible you’re getting buttered up to make you more amenable to getting her the new iPhone or letting her go to that show with her friends. As a general rule, it is best to keep the investigation of love languages to yourself.

Take note of how your child gives love to other people. If he performs a spontaneous act of kindness, think about which love language the deed was spoken in.

A child’s frequent requests and complaints can also give insight into their language. Kids are usually selfish, and that’s okay. They ask for and complain about lots of things. Don’t get too hung up on the individual demands and complaints. Try to find out what the underlying need is. Don’t feel like you have to analyze each and every demand or complaint. Just because your child wants you to give him more ice cream doesn’t mean gifts is his language.  But over time, you will likely see the requests cluster into particular themes.

“You’re always too busy.”

“You never spend time with me anymore.”

“Can we go to the park tomorrow?”

“Don’t go to work, mommy. Stay with me!”

This child’s language might be quality time. If the majority of demands and complaints fit a particular love language, it’s quite possibly your child's language.

Another way to detect a love language is to give two options and see which the child picks. “Saturday is free so do you want to play soccer in the park or pick out a new toy?” In pairing two options you will get a sense of what matters more, based on which they tend to choose. This also gives them confidence as they learn to voice preferences and make decisions. It is both illuminating and empowering.

Once you’ve detected your child’s love language, you can begin to speak it. It may not come naturally at first, but giving love is for the sake of the other person. Here are some suggestions for tangible ways you can practice loving your child in the way that resonates the deepest.

Physical touch

-When greeting or saying bye to your child, pick them up and hold them or give them a big bear hug.  For children who are still small, kneel down so you can be on their level.

-Greet them with a kiss and a hug when they come back from school or when you say good night to them.

-When your child tells you she’s upset, rub her back or stroke her hair.

-Let him cuddle with you while you watch a show.

-Buy a stuffed animal, blanket, or sweater with a texture that connects to the child, one they can cuddle with. You could also buy a dog if you’re feeling adventurous.

-Play games or sports that involve physical touch.

-Let the child sit in your lap while you read a story.

Words of affirmation

-Put a note in their lunchbox that they can discover during the day

-Highlight something they’ve done well recently, like “I loved the way you helped support that elderly woman when she almost fell,” or “I appreciated how you kept your cool when the other team was getting angry.”

-Send your teenager an occasional text reminding her how much she means to you.

-Think of an endearing pet name that you could call them.

-When your child is feeling sad or discouraged, mention several specific things for which you’re proud of them.

-If your child messes up while trying to do a good deed, affirm the intentions before suggesting an alternative.

-If your child expresses a dream of being a doctor, affirm the dream with something like, “I think you’d be a great doctor.”

Quality time

-Make eye contact with your child when he is trying to share something meaningful.

-Ask intentional open-ended questions related to your child’s day.

-Take your child with you to work once in a while and introduce her to your colleagues. -Take her out for lunch.

-If your child is elementary-aged, have lunch with him once in a while at school, if the school allows it.

-Surprise your child with tickets to a concert or sporting event, or with a map of a road trip you’re planning to take her on. If she’s older, involve her in the process of planning and ask input for the things you could do and places you could go.

-Have time set aside for “dates” with her—and don’t let anything “come up” or crowd out that time.

-Exercise together, whether that’s walks or bike rides or playing catch in the park.

-Go camping—even if it’s in the backyard. Bring flashlights, special snacks, and story books.

-Put a premium on togetherness at meal times. Let it be a place for good conversations.

Acts of service

-Take the time to teach your child “how to fish,” whether that’s literally fishing, or teaching him how to throw the football or improving her form as she runs.

-Find an area of life in which you can serve your child in a way that goes above and beyond the call of duty. This could be always remembering to prepare their sandwiches just the way he likes it or always having lemonade ready for her after practice.

-Get up a bit earlier once in a while to make your children a special breakfast.

-When your child is sick, make an extra effort to serve them by playing their favorite music or putting on their favorite show, finding their favorite stuffed animals and toys,  checking in on them to see if there’s anything you can do for them, or bringing them a tea or soup they like.

-If there’s something you can fix, whether it’s a toy or a bike, do it for them. Just taking the time and going out of your way to do that will go a long way with a child who receives love through acts of service.

-For young kids in school, you can pull out their outfit for the day while they are waking up.

-For their birthday, make them any meal they want.

Gifts

-Keep a handful of small, inexpensive gifts for moments when a gift would brighten their day or reward a moment of positive behavior.

-Take a little extra time to get gifts that make your child feel you “get” her.

-Make home-made coupons that entitle your child to their favorite meal sometime this week or an extra 30 minutes of time with mommy or daddy past bedtime.

-Keep a stash of snacks that he likes in your bag to enjoy when you go out on errands.

-If you take a trip, mail her something from that location. Make sure her name is on it. It could be a small package or a postcard.

As mentioned above, the goal is to fill your child’s emotional love tank by saying “I love you” in a way he or she best understands. It is also important to sprinkle in other languages, too. In doing so, you communicate love well but also give your child tools for loving others who speak different love languages. This way, you not only fill their tanks but equip them to fill the tanks of others.

For most people, discipline and punishment are virtually synonymous. They’re not. Punishment is a more extreme manifestation of discipline, but the word discipline comes from the Greek word meaning “to train.” Discipline more generally is guidance, and this can be offered in a host of ways.

When children act up, their love tanks are empty. It is a mistake to try and discipline (and certainly to punish) while their tanks are empty. Fill them up again before offering any kind of guidance or a corrective word. Some parents may feel they are making their children tough or preparing them to be responsible adults in the real world. But punishing kids with spankings or harsh words when they are making bids for your love, asking, in effect for a fill-up, that will do just the opposite.

If you only show love when kids are meeting your expectations then they will not feel genuinely loved for who they are and may probably stop trying things for fear that they don’t have what it takes, that their best effort will still fall short. Insecurity, anxiety, self-hatred, and anger are common outcomes in children when parents reactively punish acting out as “bad behavior” without looking for the bid for love underneath it. The full-orbed development of a child requires considering their most basic need of unconditional love. Meet that and they will be much more receptive to correction and guidance. 

Remember that kids are just that: kids. Not adults. Don’t expect them to act like adults. What you can expect is that they will make mistakes and they will need their love tanks replenished often.

If a child doesn’t learn to move through anger effectively, then he or she will pose dangers to self and others—in work and at play, with friends, coworkers, spouses, and other kids.

This is a sobering and important truth. It is important to know there is hope and that by training your child to deal with anger effectively, you give him or her a tremendous gift and advantage in life. Their anger can work for them rather than against.

One of the best ways for parents to teach their children how to manage anger well is to model it themselves. If you are like most parents you still are learning to deal with your own anger well. When adults haven’t developed healthy ways of coping with their anger,  it invariably seeps into interactions with their spouse and kids.

Anger itself is not good or bad. It just “is.” What we do with that emotion matters a great deal more than its emergence. It can be put toward constructive or destructive ends. Learning to handle anger well also matters because unresolved anger blocks maturity and integrity. Anger is the root of issues with authority—parental, legal, spiritual, or divine. It’s the chief reason for kids rejecting their parents’ spiritual and moral values.

Passive aggression is a common response to anger. The anger goes below the surface, and operates beyond clear causal connection and beyond conscious awareness. It is a way to get back at or subvert authority figures indirectly. One teenager, though bright and capable, brought home consistently low grades—much to the confusion of teachers and the frustration of his parents. As it turns out, the boy had a great deal of anger toward his parents and he was expressing it through underperformance.

With passive aggressive behavior, the goal is to make life difficult for the parents or the primary authority figure. Any punitive or corrective measures tend to deepen the problem rather than resolving it.

Early adolescence is the period of time when passive aggression is a normal part of the developmental process. “Normal” in this context assumes no one is getting harmed. The child needs to learn how to cope with anger in a mature way and move past the passive aggressive phase. If not, she will carry that mode of operating into adulthood: into business, social life, marriage, and parenting.

So what do you do? It’s important to remember that in its aggressive and passive aggressive forms, anger is not an evil to be punished or disciplined out of kids. The best way to help kids avoid taking passive aggression into adulthood is to start teaching them to handle their anger when they are young, though you can’t reasonably expect kids to have any real control over their anger until they’re six or seven. Anger is tough for kids because they are limited in their ways of dealing with it. Their options are verbal and behavioral.

Verbal is the preferable form. Parents must recognize that forcing their kids to stuff emotions is futile and destructive. The goal is teaching them to let it out in non-destructive ways. Stuffing their attempts at expressing anger now is a recipe for passive aggression in the future. They will have anger but never let it surface.

Modeling healthy ways of dealing with anger helps. Remember that the young child has not yet developed any defenses against anger. When you give them your anger they take it in directly. So avoid dumping on your kids. Listen patiently to them when they are angry. Give them the room to express anger verbally. When parents snapback with “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!” and punish them, it puts kids in a double bind: Either obey and swallow your anger or let it out and be punished. Those are the two horns of a dilemma that parents don’t need to create. Listen to your kids even if it is unpleasant in the moment.

Filling up your child’s love tank takes work. And there are days when you feel tired, defeated, and need your own love tank filled. Ideally this nurture comes from your spouse, but there are plenty of single-parent homes where this doesn’t happen. According to a 2009 census of the United States, 29% of homes are single-parent homes. Almost invariably, these single parents are wounded, lonely human beings running on fumes, short on support and finances, whether due to divorce or death.

Sometimes there is ongoing positive contact with the other, non-custodial parent after a divorce or separation. Other times there’s negative contact with one or both parents—or no contact at all.

The most common reason for single-parent households, however, is divorce. Research is very clear about the traumatic effects of divorce on kids, especially when the parents don’t handle the separation maturely. It’s hard to find another factor that has altered society as profoundly as divorce.

But that's the big picture. The smaller, more manageable question for those who find themselves single parents or on the verge of it, is how best to love a child while it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and there’s no one to shoulder it with you.

When there is a loss through divorce or death, there are wounds to be healed, there’s grief to be dealt with—both for the parent and the child. Anger, denial, and bargaining show up as common ways of coping with the pain. Open communication about the loss  will help kids process it more thoroughly and quickly.

Reading age-appropriate stories with kids is a helpful way to bond with your child after loss. It’s time together, it’s diverting, and it helps children continue to make sense of life by looking at someone else’s. These stories often contain important life lessons. Pay attention to the reactions she has to subjects of loss, separation or loneliness. These can be great chances to discuss things with your child. You can also make up stories and ask your child for input. These are wonderful glimpses into your child’s world and what’s important to her right now.

You are not alone. You and your child will need other loving adults, especially on the heels of tragedy. Who are the extended family members, the friends and other members of the community you can bring into your corner? Whoever they are, don't be shy about asking. Don’t assume people know. Some might know but hesitate to intrude. There may only be one parent in your child’s life but you don’t need to be the only adult sharing the load.

Before and after becoming a single parent, your child still has an emotional love tank that needs to be filled. The challenge now is that not only does the tank need filling—it needs repairing. This requires careful, engaged listening and tenderness as the child processes the different stages of grief.

Things might be tough in the moment, but maintaining a sense of hope, that there’s a new day coming, is important. By speaking your child’s love language, especially in the moments where they are low, will repair and fill, and give them the best shot at a healthy, fulfilling adult life defined by confidence and security more than anger and deficit.

And of course, amidst the desire to meet your child’s needs, don’t forget your own. Old trusted friends are better options than new friends, especially friends with whom there’s a chance of developing emotional romantic connections. In a vulnerable state it is not uncommon for people to be taken advantage of emotionally, financially, or sexually. Old friends and family are safest. But one way or another, it is important for you and your child that you are emotionally healthy and taking care of yourself. That’s the best gift you can give them.