The harmonic, organ-played tune of “Here Comes the Bride” doesn’t always echo as background music in a married couple’s life. Often, a couple’s relationship sounds more like a series of snags and false notes, each one colliding into the next. That’s exactly what authors Nate and Kaley Klemp heard when assessing the state of their own 15-year marriage. Thankfully, they escaped this increasingly common marital tune by rewiring their relationship style. In their work, the Klemps reveal the many benefits and elements of the “80/80 model,” a way of approaching one’s spouse with a kind of genuine selflessness that may have been missing since the honeymoon.

It may seem odd, and a bit unromantic, to think of marriage as a tale of partner percentages and relationship ratios, but the history of marriage roles can be pretty numerical. Partly inspired by the thinking of author David Deida, Nate and Kaley Klemp detail the evolution of marriage across a series of three, uniquely situated relationship pit stops: the “80/20 model,” the “50/50 model,” and their espoused “80/80 model.” Each of these relationship styles grows forth from a particular historical moment, but remains equally impactful in many contemporary marriages. Understanding one’s relationship as some flavor of one of these pre-baked marriage pies with partner functions cut and served in varying sizes sounds bizarre. But it may help couples assess the variety of their own marriages and discover where they could use new ingredients.

The seemingly bygone dream of the doting housewife and the governing husband crystallizes the 80/20 style of marriage. Expert Dr. Edward Podolsky published a book on the subject in 1945, Sex Today in Wedded Life, in which he encouraged a husband to “be a generous provider” and a wife to “remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego.” Though these pieces of mid-20th century wisdom sound well-intentioned, this style of marriage management leads to an inevitable and stereotyped imbalance: the 80/20 split. In cases like these, both wife and husband are pigeonholed into particular functions. And often, the woman is the one faced with the majority of the work at home and in the relationship—a trend that, according to many studies, isn’t entirely extinct today.

In the presence of mounting tasks and shrinking opportunities, women started to get more-than-a-smidge fed up with their relationship situation—or one woman did, at least. The activist Alix Kates Shulman was an integral proponent of more mutually beneficial relationships between men and women, a movement that stirred to life throughout the 1970s. She crafted “A Marriage Agreement” on the basis of absolute “fairness” in a couple’s lifestyle, setting an early precedent for what would be the “50/50 model.” Though this stop on marriage’s evolutionary trajectory served its purpose at the time, its adherence to complete, inalterable equality in all things cultivates an attitude that corrodes many marriages today.

On the surface, this relationship style sounds heavenly, granting both husband and wife similar opportunities and balanced responsibilities. But, the simple label of “50/50” and its claim to complete equality actually provokes great distress and dissension in marriage relationships. According to the authors, “fairness isn’t real. It’s like a mirage in the desert”—one that spins couples in circles as spouses must secure their own positions in the relationship. Inevitably, the 50/50 practice brews contention rather than compassion.

It sounds counterintuitive, but actually doing more as a spouse—replacing that fleeting feeling of martial justice with relational selflessness—reorients relationships, partners, and even lives. It’s time to serve your partner a bigger piece of the marital pie: 80% to be exact.

After their brush with quite a few relationship hiccups, the Klemps decided to investigate the state of contemporary couples. The most impactful, literally mind-altering practice they found in the relationships of happy spouses is embodied by the “80/80 mindset” of what they termed “radical generosity”—a relationship style potent enough to completely rewrite a marriage. Propelled by their own success and the testimonies of others, the authors identified three ways in which husbands and wives can learn to rework their perspectives and develop more grace and compassion for their partner. Through renewed giving, seeing, and telling, couples may at last trek toward the ideal married life they imagined on their rose-covered wedding day. 

As the first aspect of this, the authors discuss conscious “contribution,” a practice that infuses relationships with genuinely kind acts rather than mechanistic tasks. Consciously seeking another person’s well-being rather than one’s own spawns a powerful albeit culturally unusual change in thoughts about marriage. Packing your wife’s lunch before she takes off for work, or planning a day at the beach for a stressed-out husband seem like completely meaningless relationship offerings. But doing such things, however small, with a perspective that seeks to honor one’s spouse, regardless of whether she even notices the act, renews oneself and one’s marriage. 

Moreover, seeking to develop what the authors identify as “appreciation” in all aspects of one’s marriage inculcates a paradigmatic change in the way a couple functions. According to decades of research by the internationally-acclaimed marriage expert John Gottman, a couple’s success is also profoundly impacted by the perception they carry of their marriage. Instead of using laser vision to scout for a partner’s relationship faux paus, search for the things a spouse does especially well.

Finally, the authors recognize that the intimidating task of “revealing” what one is actually thinking about a relationship at any given moment is crucial to creating a marriage based on mutual generosity. Instead of soaking in destructive silence, a hurt spouse should put a name to the disruption he or she feels and advise a way the problem might be repaired. Interestingly, the work of evolutionary biologist Christine Webb discovered that when couples do this while taking a long, perhaps even leisurely stroll, they’re more likely to stumble upon a happy conclusion.

Couples can align themselves with each of these goals through “the call-and-response of radical generosity.” If your spouse knocked at the door, you would probably answer, right? Well, the authors’ trick of “call-and-response” operates in the same way. Every day, each partner should make an effort to do something kind for the other, no matter how small that act might be—washing the dishes at night, purchasing supplies for a child’s school project, or watching your wife’s favorite film. And just as one person knocks, the other answers—the spouse who receives the daily act should be equally vigilant in saying ‘thank you’ for it. When both partners participate in this cycle of giving and thanking, knocking and answering, they may find that the creaking, relationship door between them completely disappears.

Marital splintering is an unfortunate reality for many couples. In a culture permeated by cries for people to seek their own way and fulfill the aspirations of their own lives, the inherently communal nature of marriage clashes with hardwired inclinations for complete independence. Though the seemingly equitable 50/50 marriage appeals to these drives, it fails to sustain the relational component of the commitment. Fraught by seemingly disjointed desires, careers, and ideals, countless husbands and wives watch as their unity slowly slips, forming a thin residue of what their relationship used to be. The actionable plan of “shared success” is the authors’ remedy to this increasingly pervasive tendency, entreating couples to reposition themselves toward the true aim of marriage in typically fractious parts of daily life.

In order to acknowledge their mutual commitment, the authors created a nickname, fusing letters from their own names with those from their daughter’s name. When facing significant decisions in any part of life, from a career shift to a family dilemma, rather than refer to either individual spouse’s preference, they instead defer to “Kajona.” You might get some strange or slightly exotic-sounding names, but creating your own marital label might be just what you need to keep the aim of your relationship top-of-mind when potentially divisive considerations come around.

Beyond simply dreaming up a unique, quirky name to call a relationship, couples should also take time to discern elements of life they prize more than others such as family experiences or career aspirations. Recognizing areas of mutual importance gives both partners a unified destination to travel toward—an especially crucial element when other roads tempt their derailment. Couples can build their marriage around these particular “priorities” that are agreed upon ahead of time and manifest their joint marriage ideals. One side effect couples come across when identifying joint priorities is a frustrating inability to put everything onto their marital agenda. To avoid the chances that their most significant goals get shoved aside, it’s essential that they delineate a handful of non-negotiables and thoughtful “boundaries.”

In the words of the author Greg McKeown, “If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.” Nowhere is this revelation more relevant than in married life. When couples approach their relationship with a vision of what they want to accomplish together and seek to preserve their aims with careful consideration, their bond will prove even more brilliant than the one they envisioned at the altar.

There’s nothing wrong with doing a lot for your marriage. In fact, the author’s notion of “radical generosity” requires every spouse to pour more time, emotion, and passion into a relationship for the sake of its growth. But sometimes, a problem stifles this flow—not all parties are always on board with the 80/80 relationship vision. Some spouses have what the authors call a “reluctant partner,” or a husband or wife who simply doesn’t want to give to a marriage what it needs to evolve. While most people point fingers at the lazy husband or the absent wife, there’s another side to this marital story. Often, the spouse at the opposite end of the disjointed relationship is an “over-contributor,” yanking the relational reins so tightly that the lazy partner feels simply swept along for a hopelessly frustrating ride.

Though feminist thinkers such as Gloria Steinem and Jessica Valenti have had a field day indicting the patriarchy for a wife’s not-quite-helpful husband, this trope (common as it is) fails to recognize a crucial aspect of marriage. In most cases, neither spouse is completely off the hook for a relationship off the rails. Before jumping to conclusions, the authors recommend that a slighted spouse ask, “Are there ways that I have contributed to having a reluctant partner?” Often, husbands with idle wives and wives with passive husbands take on more responsibility than is typically beneficial for a marriage, shying away from requesting even just a little bit of help. These spouses do this for many reasons—fear that one’s partner might not do something right, or apprehension to relinquish the power that comes with being the ultimate marriage manager.

Those who recognize in themselves the habits of an “over-contributor” won’t be too surprised to hear that they may have to take the lead in yet another aspect of their marriage. Moving beyond an 80/20 marriage style requires the partner doing too much to stop and kindly reach out for some assistance. Instead of simply running through a draining agenda of daily tasks, one should make a firm and clear request that a spouse put more of an effort into the workload. Asking a spouse to handle the grocery shopping from now on, or to be more present at family events are just a couple of ways to tip the relationship into greater balance.

In conducting their work on relationships, the authors discovered a common complaint throughout the stories of many husbands and wives. With an armful of obligations from kids to jobs to frustrating family members, many people feel that the effort they need to get their marriages up and running again is empty. In the daily mayhem and monotony, they simply don’t have it in them. A marriage infused with mutual consideration and boundless compassion sounds as lovely as church bells, but is it even possible? The authors say yes, of course it is—with a little bit of work, this kind of 80/80 relationship really can exist. As a couple tethers their ambitions for “radical generosity” and “shared success” to continuous action, their honeymoon will be much more than a wonderful, bygone memory. 

Some of the work waiting on the other side of a happily-ever-after marriage doesn’t require that much from a couple—definitely not a glass slipper or even a midnight ball, however romantic that may be. These “micro habits” are the tiny things a spouse does that she typically doesn’t even think about. And these seemingly insignificant acts actually exert a huge influence on relationships, regardless. Small daily snatches of time together, or minor, necessary errands done from a place of love and compassion are some ways micro habits remind couples of their commitment to each other.

Or, if a couple wants to take it to the next level, they can do just that. “Medium habits” take more effort, intentionality, and creativity than micro habits, but they can be incredibly impactful. One of the authors’ personal medium habits is a “date hike” they take every weekend, traversing mountains and forests while maneuvering beyond the minutiae of a depleted married life. While medium habits can be pretty simple weekly adventures taken together, “macro habits” are less frequent though hugely impactful ways to reunite a couple. Think big for these ones: a cruise, a camping trip, a trek through Alaska. Anything that helps a couple elude the fleeting obligations of life to reorient themselves to why they bother living it in the first place refreshes the relationship.

People don’t get married to live in a sad, backwards-version of what a relationship should be. And all of those deep and shallow dips that carve through every marital relationship don’t have to lead to its decline. Trying a different relational recipe and pouring more time, work, and thought into the mix enables couples to relearn how to treat each other and remake their marriage into one that’s worthy of the name—a lifestyle that honors their transformative little “I do.”