The word “narcissist” is searched about one million times a month. It is invoked in the most casual of conversations, and plenty of people wonder if their bosses or their lovers are narcissists. But do we know what narcissism is? The clinical understanding of what narcissism is and isn’t has changed a great deal in only the last decade, so we might not. In The New Science of Narcissism, a social psychologist harnesses the most recent scientific findings to delineate the contours of narcissism, identifies common places it shows up in our current world, and offers guidance for navigating the narcissism of others—and our own. After all, Campbell argues, each of us is at least a little narcissistic.

At its most fundamental level, narcissism has to do with inflated self-regard, antagonism, and entitlement. These qualities can manifest themselves in a number of different ways, just as there can be a tremendous variety of ingredients used to create the same dish.

For example, a journalist in the movie industry might be really outgoing and charismatic, serially name-drop actors and directors he’s worked with, and deftly guide any conversation back to his work and life experiences. You find yourself drawn to him despite his self-absorption.

Someone else could be withdrawn and unsure of herself. She has a difficult time empathizing with others and becomes unglued when something isn’t done the way she wants it done. She is depressed, but doesn’t know what to do about it, and doesn’t seem especially interested in discovering what might help her. She laments that people overlook her genius.

Yet another person might take an odd sense of pride in accomplishments that most people would hardly consider feats. He is condescending towards coworkers and seems incapable of genuinely appreciating the contributions of others. He becomes spiteful when he receives criticism and considers himself an exception to the rules.

These three individuals are different in temperament and approaches to life, but all three show narcissistic tendencies, and display the core qualities of self-importance, antagonism, and entitlement.

The three most common types of narcissist in the literature are the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist, and the middle zone narcissist, who holds a blend of grandiose and vulnerable traits.

Grandiose narcissists are charismatic, success-oriented, and highly motivated. They generally feel pretty pleased with themselves and have loads of confidence. They range from humorous to downright cutthroat. The grandiose narcissist is oblivious and thick-skinned, attention-seeking and arrogant. People are initially captivated by the boldness but then repulsed by the self-absorption and lack of compassion. Fictional characters that display grandiose narcissism are Tony Stark in Iron Man and Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. 

Vulnerable narcissists are more covert and neurotic. They’re shy, introverted, prone to depression, and quick to take offense—even when feedback is constructive. Vulnerable narcissists lack the confidence of grandiose narcissists, but they still retain a sense of superiority and the conviction that they merit special attention and respect. If the grandiose narcissist is the “uncivilized spoiled child,” the vulnerable narcissist is the “infantilized spoiled child,” not a special child, but a shame child. This type of narcissist is harder to identify, which is why some psychologists refer to vulnerable narcissists as “hidden” narcissists. They’re harder to find in film, too, but many of Woody Allen’s roles exemplify the vulnerable narcissist pattern.

The third type of narcissist possesses a blend of grandiose and vulnerable narcissist qualities. Former US president Richard Nixon and the rapper Kanye West are both good examples of grandiosity and vulnerability walking hand-in-hand.

In the world of clinical psychology, there’s no official spectrum, but it is useful to think about narcissism in those terms. For better and for worse, most people display some narcissistic behavior—even if most would not fit the official profile of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

When we describe a person, we usually resort to adjectives: kind, selfish, cheerful, ornery, poised, and so on. In personality theory, these kinds of descriptions are called “traits.” A group of traits is akin to ingredients that, when brought together, produce a complex psychological dish called personality. 

Just as there are thousands of possible culinary ingredients and countless ways to combine them, so the numerous traits combine in an infinite number of variations. At the same time, however, certain psychic ingredients cluster into patterns that have some regularity to them. For example, people who are empathetic are often kind and nurturing as well. Jaded, cruel, and cynical often cluster together, as do the depressed, insecure, and anxious. These kinds of clusters form with enough regularity that psychologists have been able to identify overarching traits that help us better sort the complexities of human personality.

One of the most helpful tools for understanding personality is “the Big Five”: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. You can use the acrostic “OCEAN” to help remember them.

Openness has to do with curiosity, imagination, desire for adventure, and willingness to entertain new ideas or experiences. Artists and entrepreneurs are often high in openness. Elon Musk, Joe Rogan, Steve Jobs, and Andy Warhol are examples of high openness. Mike Pence, with his slow and steady demeanor, is an example of someone who is low in openness.

Conscientiousness relates to work ethic, self-restraint, and love of stability and order. Hermoine Granger from Harry Potter is an exemplar of conscientiousness par excellence.

Extraversion, at least in personality theory, relates to drive, ambition, and the desire for achievement. People high in extraversion are high-energy and confident.

Agreeableness has to do with whether or not someone plays nice with others. It relates to trust, kindness, and moral bearings. People low in the trait of agreeableness are usually labeled antagonistic. This trait is especially vital to understanding narcissism. With antagonism comes entitlement, hubris, and mistrust of others, as well as the belief that one’s needs matter more than anyone else’s.

Neuroticism, the last of the Big Five Traits, has to do with anxiety, fear, hypersensitivity and self-consciousness. Neurotic people get angry or pugnacious in the face of threats. For people who score high in neuroticism, everything is a threat. The less neurotic, the more emotionally stable people tend to be. The cool, calm, and collected characters that Denzel Washington tends to play are extremely low in neuroticism.

The Big Five Personality Map is used all over the world. There’s no such thing as the perfect personality, but the Western cultural ideal is high openness, high conscientiousness, high extraversion, high agreeableness, and low neuroticism. It’s called the “Big One.”

So how do the Big Five relate to narcissism? As mentioned above, low agreeableness or high antagonism is the chief ingredient in the making of a narcissist. To make a grandiose narcissist, add a high level of extraversion (sociability, drive, and confidence). Typically narcissists are also likeable at a superficial level, so they get away with having a mean streak. To make a vulnerable narcissist, add high neuroticism instead of high extraversion. With this combination, the sense of entitlement and superiority remain, but instead of confidence and boldness, there’s depression, anxiety, insecurity, and emotional instability. Middle zone narcissists, who possess a blend of vulnerable and grandiose narcissism, are low in agreeableness, and high in both extraversion and neuroticism.

To be clear, just because people are disagreeable does not necessarily mean they are narcissists, neither does a person’s high extraversion or high neuroticism mean they are grandiose or vulnerable narcissists.

Choosing to date a narcissist instead of an emotionally healthy individual is akin to eating chocolate cake instead of a salad. The chocolate cake will likely deliver immediate pleasure, but health and energy levels begin to drop precipitously thereafter. Conversely, eating a salad will probably not be as intensely pleasurable as eating a piece of cake, but salad eaters also forgo the crash and probably feel better and healthier in the long run.

Relationships with narcissists can be very enjoyable experiences at the beginning. This is because narcissists excel in catalyzing dynamic, high-energy, but ultimately superficial, relationships. Narcissists—especially the grandiose narcissists—often dress very well, put a lot of time into their makeup and outfits, are charming, present upbeat facial expressions, and body postures that convey confidence and dominance. People are naturally drawn to this. Relationships with narcissists often start great, but usually end suddenly and dramatically. Studies consistently find that narcissists are well-liked at initial meetings, but this good opinion usually gives way when the charming façade fades—and that often does not take long.

What’s in it for narcissists? The narcissist is motivated by a desire for self-enhancement, and people become tools to accomplish this end. This can come in the form of association (trophy spouses, partners in positions of power or prestige), admiration (a “crew” that stands behind you or a partner who adores you), domination (deriving pleasure and a sense of power through bullying or manipulating), and, more subtly, consolation (using people to reassure them that they aren’t rejected and still deserve love and acceptance).

Without the emotional reciprocity needed to sustain a meaningful long-term relationship, the satisfaction in relationships plummets for both parties. The high of adoration or consolation is no longer as satisfying for the narcissist, and the partner—who might have begun as happy to show love and enjoyed the company initially, but begins to feel drained by the narcissist’s emotional demands.

One common conception the research doesn’t support is that enabling, empathic individuals are more likely to end up in relationships with narcissists. Prima facie, this popular assumption makes sense, but there are no studies that corroborate it. Sometimes we don’t see the warning signs until later down the line. It’s easy to say after the fact that someone “should have known."

We live in an era of burgeoning nerdom. No longer are the geeks relegated to the shadows along with their love of tech, science, and fantasy worlds, while sports enjoy cultural preeminence. Consider that 50,000 to 150,000 people attend conventions like Comic Con and Dragon Con. Think of the way Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates are celebrated as geniuses and visionaries. Even if you don’t read manga or watch anime, even if you aren’t a Trekkie or Star Wars enthusiast, even if you’ve never done cos-play (costume play), visited a comic book store, or played Dungeons and Dragons, these elements are increasingly celebrated in the cultural imagination. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is hardly the exclusive domain of nerds. Epic fantasy stories like The Lord of Rings and Game of Thrones often break the box office. In many ways, we have unwittingly joined the ranks of the geeks.

Recent research is discovering a link between grandiose narcissism and nerd culture. There was a time when the jock was the stereotypical grandiose narcissist: athletic, confident, dominant, possessing a charisma that created a wide-but-shallow collection of friends and a large pool of romantic options.The archetypal geek stood in stark contrast to the typical jock, but there is a growing body of research that shows that a rise in grandiose narcissists among geeks has accompanied the rise of the geek since the 1980s.

A contributing factor to this could be the “Great Fantasy Migration'': A generation of kids who were told they are unique and can do anything is entering an uncertain economy that suggests otherwise. Employment is shaky and careers that seemed promising five years ago might no longer exist in five more. The economic uncertainty has pushed many young people toward the world of fantasy, in search of an identity that is recognized as unique and important. Someone who might be a manager at a retail store during the day can at night rule a whole posse in World of Warcraft. The nerd who didn’t make the cheer squad in high school might dress up like her favorite anime princess and suddenly find men flocking to her at Comic Con. The uncoordinated computer programmer who never played sports could become a wizard in e-sports.

The Great Fantasy Migration is not driven purely by narcissism. The desire to belong, openness to new things, and unhappiness with reality are also contributing factors. Moreover, plenty of unusual, interesting, very creative people populate these fantasy realms—both online and in person. But the move toward fantasy and the growing trend of choosing it over reality will continue as long as there is economic uncertainty and a continued downturn. Japanese society is a glimpse into the future: where sex robots are increasingly in demand, providing some of the perks without the risks of rejection or awkwardness that the more neurotic seek to eliminate from sexual encounters. The future of a dead-end, 9-to-5 job is a reality that many find unbearably boring, and that leads many people to beg for an escape—an escape that increasingly sophisticated, technologically advanced fantasy worlds aim to provide.

At the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, van Gogh’s self-portraits get approximately 2 million views annually. When today’s celebrities upload selfies to social media, tens of millions of people see them. If Kim Kardashian’s latest selfie attracts 100 million views, that’s 50 times more attention than the “selfies” of arguably the world’s most famous self-portraitist—and in a matter of hours.

The first documented use of the word selfie dates back to Australia in 2002. The first case was innocuous enough: a young man photo-documenting his busted lip after tripping while in a drunken stupor. He was the first, but hardly the last.

The idea of a selfie is extremely attractive to the narcissist. It’s a great way to promote a shallow image, to control the content that people see, and build the attention and admiration they crave. Obviously, not everyone who takes a selfie is a narcissist, but narcissists use the new format in a different way.

Narcissists are far more likely, for example, to opt for selfies over “groupfies”—pictures with others. A study in Korea found that people who score higher for narcissism are more likely to have positive opinions about selfies, interact more religiously with chatter around selfies, and pay more attention to the selfies of others. Narcissists are also more likely to include more than just their faces in their selfies (think selfies at the gym). Those with grandiose narcissism self-report motives of presenting themselves as favorably as possible and enjoy being “seen.” Vulnerable narcissists are more self-conscious about their online presentation: desirous of adulation, but also bracing for negative feedback. There’s a growing association—even in the mainstream—between selfies and self-absorption. Perhaps it’s not a surprise then that vulnerable narcissists report being more scrupulous in their self-presentation: carefully curating the selfies and the captions that go along with them.

The yearning for affirmation is not just limited to narcissists. Social media obviously serves useful purposes: delivering news reports, alerting us to exciting local events, helping us learn how to fix the car brakes, and entertaining us with videos of cats. For the narcissists, however, the goal of social media is self-enhancement: gaining status, sex, and stuff.

So is social media making people more narcissistic? It’s hard to say definitively, but what can be said is that the research clearly indicates that narcissists use social media to promote and enhance themselves. There's no clear evidence that it turns people into grandiose narcissists, but it is possible that social media is breeding vulnerable narcissists, as social media has raised insecurity: exposure to more successful, better looking people, hand-wringing over how the online public will receive a post. The hypersensitivity to feedback and criticism and anxious self-preoccupation align well with the vulnerable narcissist profile, but there’s not enough data to do more than speculate.

Narcissism leads to the relational equivalent of the “tragedy of the commons.” In the 1600s, public green spaces where farmers could bring their livestock to graze were ruined when farmers brought more than the allotted number of sheep, thus depleting the commons and creating bad blood. The resources held respectfully in common were depleted by the greedy and opportunistic. In the same way, narcissists can deplete the social commons, winning short-term material and emotional gains while harming the well-being of those around them and the trust that bound them together.

There is obviously a dark side to narcissism. It would, however, be disingenuous not to acknowledge what the narcissist does well and glean the good that we can.

For instance, while narcissism harms long-term relationships, narcissism helps make great first impressions. Narcissism does not lead to principled leadership, but it can give the charisma needed to galvanize people in moments of uncertainty. Narcissism can be deleterious in bear markets, but useful in bull markets—or other situations in which risks can be rewarded. Narcissism is antithetical to deep, reciprocal friendships, but it can be useful in building a network of professional connections.

Here are a few tips for leveraging narcissism for success in life:

-Keep it short. Narcissists excel in the short term. Turn up the charm and charisma in an interview. Be ready to put yourself out there. Some self-promotion is all right. If you went to an Ivy League, mention it in a conversation, but don’t keep revisiting it.

-Save it for the public sphere. Narcissists thrive in the limelight instead of fretting over what might go wrong in a speech or presentation. They’re excited for an opportunity to get some applause. Before judging them too severely, it’s worth remembering that they also tend to perform better in those moments. Channel that confidence for public moments—just don’t take it home with you. Your spouse and children are not your props and the home is not a stage.

-Take the initial step and make it a confident one. Take risks and be bold. Narcissists—especially extreme narcissists—take bold steps but refuse to own the mistakes they’ve made. Aim for boldness that also takes responsibility.

-Build your network. Quality beats quantity when it comes to relationships that bring meaning and joy to life. That being said, it’s unrealistic to hope that every relationship will be a deeply satisfying one. Whatever your career may be, it is useful to cultivate a wide network—even if the vast majority don’t become your best friends. The narcissists are good at asking themselves, “What can this person do for me?” That’s a perfectly fine question to ask—just as long as you’re also thinking in terms of what you can do for others.

-Be assertive. Know what you are worth and be willing to ask for it. It is a well-established fact that disagreeable people tend to make more money than the overly agreeable. You don’t have to be antagonistic when you make demands, but it is reasonable to expect payment commensurate with your capability (i.e., not with some deluded notion of your genius or because you’re more important).

As with many things in life, narcissism carries both costs and benefits. It would be misguided to advocate for narcissism as a rule of life. But it would also be misguided to pretend that we are completely free of any narcissistic impulse. It is more honest and useful to acknowledge it for what it is, and use it when it is helpful in certain moments without forgetting its shadow side.

These insights are just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of The New Science of Narcissism here. And since we get a commission on every sale, your purchase will help keep this newsletter free.

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