At age 23, clinical psychologist Amy Morin lost her mother to a brain aneurysm. On the three-year anniversary of her mother’s death, Morin lost her husband. Not long after remarrying, her father-in-law was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. Refusing to be shattered by yet another death, she sat down to write a list of mental pits that she would need to avoid as she anticipated yet another loss.

What would happen if a man lifted weights and ran for two hours each day, but would follow up his workout with a box of donuts? Should he be surprised that he doesn’t experience good health, high energy levels, and a chiseled core? His unhealthy habits undercut his more admirable habits of health and discipline.

Many psychotherapists and self-help gurus advocate a strengths-based approach to helping others. Clearly, this is a laudable end and an important aspect of counseling. But if we don’t spend some time sorting out our poor habits, it’s unlikely that we will be able to make proper use of our strengths. Our goals will only be achieved with extra, needless toil. You will only be as successful as your bad habits allow. It’s like running a marathon with added weights on your ankles or a small primate on your back. Damaging mental habits must be replaced with mental strength in order to maximize our potential.

What is mental strength? It’s your ability to self-regulate, managing your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in a constructive manner. Factors like personality, experiences, and genetics do influence how readily a person grows in mental strength. You can’t change the fact that your parents divorced or that you have ADHD, but anyone can make strides toward mental toughness.

There are a number of misconceptions about mental strength that should be addressed. Mental strength is more than just acting tough. Being mentally tough does not mean stuffing emotions or conceiving of your body as a machine. Mental strength differs from the rugged (and unrealistic) individualism that refuses help from others. It’s more than mere positive thinking or the next pop psychology craze. Positive thinking can become a naïve refusal to face reality, and, more than a fleeting trend, mental strength deals with universals of human nature.

It’s easy to feel mentally strong when life is smooth sailing and everything’s on course. The real test is when adversity strikes. No one is immune to tragedy or failure. Mental strength gives resilience in difficult or stressful situations. Most people also notice a boost in achievement and overall satisfaction with life.

Remembering some basic principles and putting them into practice when faced with hardship is the best way to develop mental strength. More than a checklist, the following habits are part of a character profile. The pitfalls described are ubiquitous enough that everyone has slipped into them at one time or another.

The late writer John Gardner once described self-pity as “the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” While sadness is a perfectly normal, appropriate emotion to experience, brooding over sadness is dangerous.

To discover whether you are prone to self-pity, ask yourself these questions:

Do you consider your suffering exceptionally painful and miserable?

Do you consider yourself more prone to misfortune than others?

Do you feel other people just don’t grasp what you’ve been through?

Do you occasionally withdraw from social engagements to ruminate on problems?

Does gratitude come easily or begrudgingly?

Do you frequently despair of how unfair life is?

Here’s the problem with self-pity. For all the time you spend stewing in your thoughts, you don’t end up with anything constructive to show for it. Self-pity also opens the floodgates to a slew of other negative emotions, like anger, bitterness, and despair. The more pity parties you throw yourself, the more ingrained those false beliefs become; the more ingrained they become, the more you will act on false beliefs, and the further you will separate yourself from reality and relationships. Moreover, there are some emotions that are real and require your attention, and self-pity will hinder your dealing with them. It loosens your grip on reality and proportion. The truth is that amidst setbacks, there are good, true, and beautiful things in your life. When we indulge in self-pity, we miss opportunities for gratitude.

Self-pity is destructive, and most people know it. So why do so many get stuck in the self-pity stew? For some, it’s a way to garner attention.  People tend to show kindness to the person with a limp. For others, it’s a badge of courage. People want to believe they’ve been through it and are exceptions to the rules by which everyone else abides. Less is expected from them.

Here’s the thing about the victim mentality, though: it’s self-absorbed; it takes. It’s not attractive and the victim eventually exhausts other people’s storehouses of compassion. The inward focus will ultimately repel others.

Consider swapping self-pity for gratitude. Keep a log of reasons to be grateful. Say it out loud so it doesn’t stay in your head. Replace indulgent thoughts with constructive ones. Ask other people what they’re grateful for. Teach children the importance of thankfulness. Get rid of the self-pity crutch and you’ll start walking fine without it.

Jesus of Nazareth exhorted his followers to love their enemies and pray for those who persecuted them. Two millennia later, entrepreneur and business tycoon Dale Carnegie extended the insight, observing that when we choose to hate our enemies, we give them a power over our mental and emotional resources, sleep, and health—a power they don’t deserve.

Do you give your power to people—to enemies, friends, or even strangers? Here are some questions to consider:

Are you easily offended by criticism?

Do you ever alter your goals based on what other people think you need to do with your life?

Does your day-to-day happiness fluctuate with how other people around you act?

When other people pressure you into doing something, do you go along with it, even if you really have no interest in the activity?

Do you have a hard time saying “no”?

Do you  feel embittered toward the people who sap your time and energy?

Do you find it difficult to forgive people who hurt you?

Do you go to extremes to protect yourself from situations that could elicit feelings of embarrassment or sadness?

Do you put forth significant effort to make sure that people see you a certain way?

We give away our power when our boundaries aren’t set up appropriately. When you give away your power, you are at the mercy of people and circumstances. You depend on others seeing you a certain way in order to feel okay. Your sense of significance is contingent on how others see you. It makes you helpless, and you become hypersensitive. You take every harsh word to heart. When you give away your power, it’s difficult to be objective about criticism. Even constructive criticism from trusted allies becomes hurtful. When you give people too much power, you lose sight of your goals because others begin to commandeer them. Your real relationships will begin to disintegrate to the extent that you are unable to say “no,” to confront those who have wronged you, and who encroach on space you didn’t intend to grant them. These are prime conditions for resentment.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to reclaim your boundaries and power. One thing is to think about the words you use to describe relational dynamics. How often have you heard people say things like, “My mother-in-law makes me so mad” or “My supervisor makes me feel stupid.” For one thing, the more time you spend complaining with coworkers about your boss, the more power your boss will have over you. For another thing, your boss can’t make you do or feel anything. The behavior of others can influence your feelings, but ultimately you must take responsibility for how you feel.

Another important distinction is between reacting and responding. When you become agitated, take deep breaths. It sounds cliché, but it actually initiates a beneficial physiological response. Emotion can cloud judgment; so remove yourself from a heated situation if you have to, even just temporarily. When you speak, say what you mean, not simply what’s most cathartic.

Do you often feel like you’re spinning your wheels when you’re trying to move toward a goal?

When you hit a roadblock, do you turn around defeated or look for a way around it?

Do you give up on getting rid of bad habits because you get back into the same old ruts?

Do you get angry with yourself for a lack of self-discipline?

Does a true and lasting change feel lifetimes away?

Do you frequently tell yourself, “That’s the last time I do that”—only to do that thing again soon after?

Why do we make the same mistakes over and over? Sometimes, it’s due to stubbornness. We’re too far into something that’s demonstrably unhealthy or failing, and we plow ahead. In other cases, impulsiveness is a factor. We don’t take enough time to reflect on our decisions. We focus more on getting back up instead of understanding why we keep getting knocked down.

Other times, we know they’re mistakes, but they are all we’ve ever known, so we continue those patterns of behavior because it’s more comfortable than trying something new—even if something new might prove to be healthier and more satisfying. Think of the woman who runs from one abusive relationship to another. Her father abused her growing up so this set her grid for what is “normal.” To say “no” and try something new might be unchartered territory for her. In still other cases, we are afraid of success, and so we self-sabotage. We live in a state of anxiety, bracing ourselves for good things to fall through.

Repeat offenders end up with frustrated friends and colleagues, goals unreached, problems unsolved, diminished confidence and resolve, and resigned to fate. To start learning from mistakes instead of repeating them unnecessarily, observe what’s actually happening when you make a mistake. Honestly evaluate what went wrong, how the situation could have been handled differently, and ask yourself how you will respond next time.

Learning from mistakes requires the cultivation of discipline.  Part of this is learning to tolerate discomfort. Remembering that you don’t have to indulge every last impulse is healthy. Exercising self-restraint will heighten awareness and strengthen your resolve to say “no” to temptations when they arise, whether it’s a diet-wrecking chocolate bar or checking social media for the eighth time in as many minutes. Keep goals in the forefront of your mind. If you have your end-of-year vacation in mind, you’ll be less likely to indulge the urge to splurge on less important purchases.

Consider making a list of reasons for not repeating a mistake as well as the benefits of choosing alternative replacement behaviors. So instead of watching Netflix for hours, which makes for feel in control and stimulated (but ultimately depressed and useless), go work out like you’ve wanted to, which will leave you feeling more upbeat, fit, and energetic.

Obviously, we all make mistakes. And sometimes we don’t get it right the next time—or the time after that. There are, however, steps we can take to minimize repeat offenses. Mentally strong people aren’t afraid of making mistakes, but they see their mistakes as opportunities to learn. They devote time and energy to avoiding repeat offenses, and typically have the humility to share about their past mistakes with others.

Do you spend inordinate amounts of time avoiding hypothetical catastrophes?

Do you devote headspace to wishing others would change?

When faced with a difficult predicament, do you become controlling and believe that only you can get things right?

Do you struggle to delegate tasks or ask for help?

Do you believe that your future is entirely in your hands?

Even if you know that you can’t control every outcome, do you still have difficulty letting go?

If these questions ring true, you might be focusing on things beyond your control. It is tempting to develop a script for the way things should go, but it can be disillusioning if you obsess over the minute details of that script, especially if the items involve bending people and circumstances to fit your vision.

A common theory in psychology is that most people have a “locus of control,” either internal or external.  When your locus of control is external, you are not the driving force behind your life. Fate and dumb luck push you along; what will be will be. People with an internal locus of control tend to believe that they have a high degree of control over their future. They take responsibility for their mistakes and successes. Upbringing strongly influences your locus of control. People who grow up hearing about the importance of hard work typically develop an internal locus of control. People who grow up hearing, “That’s just the way it is; some things will never change” will likely have an external locus of control.

The internal locus of control is often praised as the preferable orientation, but it has its own baggage. People who believe that their actions matter can have a great impact, but that doesn’t mean they can impact everything. Those with the internal locus of control tend to overestimate their ability to control outcomes. Attempting to control everything is a recipe for through-the-roof anxiety. This can be a monumental waste of time and energy and is damaging to relationships with self and others. You might be perceived as a control freak or judgmental, and you might be unnecessarily harsh with yourself as well.

The ideal state is not purely internal or external, but what psychologists refer to as a “bi-local expectancy” in which people take control of those things that are within their territory (their thoughts, emotions, and actions), but also recognize the limitations of their control (other people’s thoughts, emotions, actions, and the future).

If you struggle with trying to control everything, make a point of delegating tasks, asking others for help, honing in on problems that are within your control to resolve, and attempting to persuade people instead of manipulating them. The former is open to the possibility that the person may not change his mind; whereas the latter expects the outcome, and finds a sense of stability in it. It’s a strange paradox that surrendering control actually makes you freer and stronger.