Why are self-involved parents unable to give the love and care their child needs? How does emotional neglect in childhood trickle down into adulthood? And why do so many adults still feel emotionally lonely in their relationships? Clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson offers insight into these questions in this bestselling book, showing how a greater understanding of yourself and your past can transform the way you connect with others, and help you shed emotional loneliness.

Have you ever talked with someone who wouldn’t ask you any questions, but waxed eloquent about themselves? Or perhaps you’ve encountered a person who becomes defensive when others express a difference of opinion. These are both classic symptoms of emotionally immature adults.

At the heart of it, emotional immaturity fixates on the self, and doesn’t make the effort to understand or empathize with others’ perspectives. Instead, these self-focused people turn everything back on themselves, either taking everything personally, or continually putting themselves in the spotlight. They may appear confident, but they’re actually insecure in their own sense of self, so any difference of opinion or thought feels like an attack—something as small as a conversational disagreement can send them into fight-or-flight mode. This comes from a deep-seated fear that their insecurity will be exposed, and they’ll lose the love or esteem they think they’ve earned. It’s helpful to remember that emotionally immature parents often grew up emotionally neglected, with behaviors and feelings they were and were not “allowed” to have, such as frustration, sadness, or even expressing a difference of opinion. Stunted in some ways, this results in the pendulum-swinging inconsistency of their reactions.

 As a parent, an emotionally unhealthy person is fixated on himself or herself, and the child’s inner needs fall by the wayside. It’s common for parents to provide for all the physical things a child may need—food, shelter, education—but emotional connection is just as important, and requires deep emotional work on the parent’s part. Self-focused parents lack the emotional maturity to shepherd their children’s emotions and struggles, leaving them to face the world on their own.

These parents take advantage of a child’s desire to please and use them to fulfill their own needs—forcing the child into the parental role of comforter, caregiver, or adviser. Another form of emotional neglect is leaving a child alone and unprotected in a potentially dangerous situation, such as letting a child get lost, not preventing them from harm, or leaving them on their own among strangers. Superficial support is another example—here, a parent or caregiver dismisses a child’s distress with generic platitudes, instead of empathizing with them. These types of emotional neglect teach the child that it’s up to them to satisfy their own needs and fend for themselves. As a result, children suppress their own needs, and seek love and acceptance the only way they know how: by trying to please the parent.

This suppression of needs prevents people from having an authentic connection with others. The result is a deep loneliness, often without understanding why. Many adults don’t even realize they’ve been subjected to emotional neglect or abuse until they read about it or talk about their childhood with others. And sadly, because these neglected children don’t know how to recognize the neglect, many times they grow up and find themselves in relationships similar to how they were raised. It’s a painful cycle, but not one that needs to continue.

Emotionally unhealthy parents manifest in four different ways.

 The first type, the emotional parent, tends to be reactionary and inconsistent, riding the waves of their emotions through life. One moment they’re extremely involved, while the next they’re hardly there, leaving the child confused and unable to rely on them.

The second is the driven parent. They have a fixed idea of what life should be like, and everything else comes second to it. Constantly monitoring every area of  life (and their child’s), they try to create this perfect, imaginary world. As a result, anything that their child experiences that is “not part of the plan” is a hindrance, and likely swept under the rug.

The third kind, the passive parent, operates out of avoidance—avoiding problems and difficult decisions, consequently resulting in the child adopting the role of parent. This kind of parent may seem less harmful than others, but this is also the parent who turns a blind-eye to physical abuse.

And the last kind is the rejecting parent, whose can’t-be-bothered attitude pushes their family away. Some children internalize their dismissal, wondering what they did wrong, while others only redouble their efforts to get what they want.

The problem with each of these types of parents is that they place their own needs above their child’s basic need for stability, empathy, and freedom of expression. 

Internalizers are extremely perceptive, attuned to the emotional wavelengths of those around them. They tend to appear self-sufficient, mature, and in control, because they’ve learned to rely on themselves.

As children, internalizers learn to set aside their own need for connection, so their emotionally immature parents can have their needs fulfilled. They tend to think that any problem lies with themselves, likely that they are too sensitive or needy. These children are labeled “easy,” when, in reality, they are playing whatever role they think will give them acceptance and love. This puts an incredible amount of emotional stress on the child, who believes her worth to the parents relies on how well she can please them.

Conversely, externalizers interact with the world without letting things steep internally first. They usually expect the things around them to change, rather than themselves, and are less likely to take the time for self-reflection. Since they react externally, often their behavior and actions are addressed, but not the emotions behind them.

As children, externalizers react visibly, often earning most of the family’s attention and the label of “problem child.” And when they become parents, emotionally immature externalizers don’t know how to regulate themselves—they respond to emotions defensively, putting the burden of calming them down on others.

While externalizers often receive attention addressing their behavior, internalizers come to believe that the problem lies with their own inner nature.

When a parent doesn’t provide the love, care, and emotional connection a child needs, children often imagine what they must do to earn it, creating a healing fantasy. Healing fantasies are the beliefs that if you behave a certain way, you can convince the other person to give you the love and care you crave. Children slip into these roles of caretaker, comforter, star student, star athlete, or whatever it may be, thinking that if they perform well enough, their parents will finally love and accept them.

But these healing fantasies have damaging effects on children. The role-selves children play aren’t compatible with reality, and aren’t sustainable long-term. These role-selves aren’t the child’s true self, and maintaining the façade takes a heavy emotional toll, even for adults. Over the years as children grow into themselves, the roles they play in their family often stay the same, while they struggle to discover their own individuality apart from the family unit. Eventually, when the child’s efforts to please their parents keep falling short, the healing fantasy breaks down, often resulting in mental and emotional distress.

 For self-focused parents, the roles their children play may meet their own short-sighted needs and desires, but it does not magically change them as parents into ones who give the child what they need. Children need deep emotional connection, to be heard and understood and treated with love, regardless of their behavior; that’s what makes them children. It’s the parents’ role to do that emotional work, so kids don’t have to struggle under the burden of securing their parents’ love. Conditional behavior cannot buy unconditional love.

When we suppress childhood pain, we often inadvertently send it down the line to our own children. But parents who examine their own childhoods and process through them give their children the tools they need to thrive. Often, this examination is painful, and takes time and self-reflection to uncover one’s true feelings—but this emotional distress and internal breakdown can be a sign of great growth. 

Polish psychiatrist Kazimierz Dabrowski brought up the idea that emotional struggles can be growing pains to a stronger sense of self, calling this break-down and the subsequent build-up “positive disintegration.” This disintegration may manifest as panic, anger, or depression, to name a few symptoms, but with open self-reflection, this pain can mark a new era of healthier values and understanding. Allowing yourself to reflect on what you really feel opens the door to seeing your healing fantasies, and the role you’ve tried to play. Emotional distress isn’t a thing to be afraid of, or something to be shunted under the carpet—it’s a call to change and embrace a healthier way of life.

Children of emotionally unhealthy parents are not only accustomed to suppressing their emotions, but as adults, they often struggle to take care of themselves physically as well. After a lifetime of putting others' needs above their own, common things like remembering to eat, sleep, or pay attention to their bodies during exercise seem inconsequential, and even indulgent. Learning to acknowledge both emotional and physical needs is vital to regaining a healthy sense of self.

Though you can’t control your unhealthy family members, you can regain control of the relationship, and your sense of self when interacting with them. The goal here is to find a state of relatedness, where you can interact with your family without an expectation of fulfilling any emotional needs.

 First, observing your family’s emotional dynamics is key—a parent who struggles with emotional connection may never be able to give the kind of relationship you long for, but you can still break out of any unhealthy patterns. Family therapist Murray Bowen submits that emotionally immature parents value assigned roles and emotional entanglement over any individual of the family–in fact, these parents discourage individual identities in the name of “family togetherness.” A solution to this entanglement is re-discovering your individuality, and learning to step outside the system and observe.

To become detached and avoid emotional entanglement, try various calming exercises in preparation, such as counting your breaths or relaxing your muscles. Then as you find yourself around your loved ones, imagine you are a scientist studying and describing their behavior. Becoming emotional during an interaction with an unhealthy family member means that your healing fantasy—that belief that if you did a certain thing, you could change your loved one—is returning. One way to strengthen yourself is silently narrating their behavior and your emotions; another is taking a short break and finding a quiet spot to get back into an observational mindset.

A second thing to consider is that pegging your loved ones’ emotional maturity will help you determine the best way to interact, without becoming emotionally involved. One way you can do this is to express your thoughts, but let go of any need for your loved one to respond a certain way.

And third, it’s important to identify what you want from the relationship. While you might hope your loved one will change, that’s not an outcome you can control—but you can set a goal for what you do in a given interaction. It can be something as simple as being honest about your opinions, or remaining calm even if you’re nervous, but the point is that it’s something within your ability to control. A helpful strategy is to focus on managing the interaction—directing the conversation where you want it to go, and remaining calm when faced with attempts to bait you into old patterns. One step further would be setting limits on how much interaction you have with your loved ones, even suspending contact altogether, if needed, until you’re able to get to a healthier sense of self.

Something to keep in mind is that an emotionally immature parent’s reaction to boundaries is often to bait the child by offering what they’ve been withholding—uncharacteristic openness, affection, or even respect. This can be a tactic to suck you back into the unhealthy parent-child dynamic. But by maintaining your boundaries, you can still interact without returning to your healing fantasy.

So what do emotionally mature people look like? Self-awareness and empathy are the core of emotional intelligence. A healthy sense of self enables people not to take everything personally, nor to fixate on themselves to the exclusion of everyone else. Emotional maturity involves seeing the world as it is, and being willing to work with reality, instead of against it. Further, this maturity involves being able to think and feel simultaneously, and being open to reason. People who excel at this can have honest discussions about their thoughts and feelings, and strive for clear, respectful communication.

As parents, people who are emotionally mature recognize that their children need regular, focused connection and protection. They are willing to do the emotional work to comfort a child, grapple with complex coming-of-age issues together and give them unconditional love and care. Emotionally mature parents give their children room to grow, freedom to be known, and space to express themselves. 

When trying to determine the emotional maturity of someone you’ve recently met online, it can be helpful to reflect on their messages or on the initial phone call and write down some impressions of how they made you feel. Taking a moment to determine whether you felt heard, if they were interested in you, and if they respected your boundaries can help you determine how emotionally mature they are.

It’s also important to remember not only to look for these traits in others, but consider them for yourself, too. By learning to express yourself honestly, respecting and showing interest in others, and letting go of what’s outside of your control, you are opening yourself up to deeper, more meaningful relationships, and setting yourself free from emotional loneliness.

These insights are just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents here. And since we get a commission on every sale, your purchase will help keep this newsletter free.