No matter how passionate and enrapturing the initial romantic connection, love in a relationship is doomed to fizzle out over time, right? Clinical psychologist Sue Johnson strongly disagrees. After making little headway working with distressed couples through rational problem solving or exploring early childhood, Johnson developed Emotions Focused Therapy (EFT), an approach that helps couples discover the vulnerable emotions that roil beneath routine conflicts and misunderstandings. In Hold Me Tight, Johnson argues that responsiveness to our partner’s deep, attachment-based emotions is the secret to lifelong love. She encourages lovers to have a number of conversations, on topics such as their particular dances of dysfunction, their core wounds, their deepest fears and needs, and sex. What follows are some of those conversations.

Relationships are a kind of dance. In the process of learning the dance, partners invariably step on each other’s toes, dance from a safe distance, or step off the dance floor entirely. “Demon Dialogues” are the go-to destructive conversations that couples pull each other into as they fumble their way through the steps of a relational dance. These dialogues take on one of three different shapes: Find the Bad Guy, the Protest Polka, or Freeze and Flee.

In Find the Bad Guy, the pair doesn’t let the other get too close. They dance at a distance, suspiciously watching the other, pointing out the partner’s missteps and mistakes. By blaming each other, they lose the opportunity to reconnect in a way that feels safe for both.

The Protest Polka is a dance partners fall into when Find the Bad Guy carries on long enough that the exchanges become patterned. Some researchers call it “demand-withdraw” or “criticize-defend,” but “protest” better captures what’s happening in those moments: objection to the loss of secure attachment.

The Freeze and Flee is the third development, which takes place when the Protest Polka has carried on at length. Instead of protesting, they give up entirely, retreating to opposite ends of the dance floor. So sick of stepping on each other’s feet, they stop stepping entirely. They no longer fight for their deep need for attachment, but bury it and opt for numbness and disconnection. This is far and away the most precarious dance of all because hope is dwindling. 

When you think about your arguments, what are the tactics and lines you use to outwit or put down your partner, to show you’re right and your partner is wrong? What are your go-to accusations? Instead of seeing isolated actions, which leads to accusations and triggers, both partners need to piece together the dance sequence that they’ve developed and assess what it tells them about their relationship. Identifying the moves that suck the other partner into the dance is also critical. By recognizing these central dance maneuvers and how they fuel emotional disconnection, partners can start to see the destructive dance as the enemy, rather than their partner.

Raw Spots are areas of emotional hypersensitivity in our lives that grow out of experiences with the “2Ds”: deprivation and desertion. The attachment system is most alert to these threats, and will quickly set off our internal alarms because we desperately avoid experiencing them—even as adults. For adults, love relationships form the relational ground most likely to activate this alarm system.

We are usually blind to our Raw Spots and they manifest as secondary irritations. But when we withdraw or get angry, we revert to the Demon Dialogues. These reactions are shields that defend against vulnerabilities: our shame, sadness, and especially fear.

Often the Demon Dialogues are the result of partners’ Raw Spots rubbing against each other, which leads to each of the partners irritating the other’s Raw Spot in order to protect their own. Deactivating those go-to Demon Dialogues is part of the solution, but another part is learning to soothe your Raw Spots and your partner’s, too. Those who grew up in a stable, loving home find it easier to soothe themselves and their partner. When the Raw Spots are the result of deep, traumatic wounds from childhood, past relationships, or even the current relationship, the process usually takes longer, but is still possible. No matter how deep and sensitive the wounds, no one needs to remain trapped in the past.

Common signs of rawness include a sudden emotional pivot in yourself or your lover and reactions that seem out of place given the context: unexpectedly blowing up or retreating, for example. Learning the signs of rawness matters because these vulnerabilities need to be soothed rather than covered up. The more couples conceal from each other, the less they will feel seen and understood.

We are attentive to the attachment needs of young kids, usually because they make them obvious through behaviors such as crying. But many adults struggle mightily to meet or even understand attachment cues. Many of us learned to stop asking for what we needed because it was painful to continue going without it. The protests and pleas continue into adulthood, but they become less straightforward, more garbled. Anger and withdrawal disguise our more tender needs. Sometimes these needs are so tender that we choose invulnerability over the vulnerability needed for that secure base we long for.

When you decide to try out vulnerability, you don’t have to divulge everything at once. You can let your partner know that it is hard for you to share. If you are afraid to share your more vulnerable aspects, try sharing the reasons it is hard to talk about them. Try describing the worst-case scenario that you are envisioning with your partner. For example, “I’m worried that if I share this, you will get angry and storm off.” This gives the partner an opportunity to reassure you and lets them know your fears. 

Deescalating conversations in moments of emotional disconnection so they don’t spiral into anything more damaging is a crucial part of moving toward lifelong love. One way to practice de-escalation is to revisit recent not-so-great interactions.

1. Pause the game. When you know the Demon Dialogues and Raw Spots you as a couple habitually return to, you can catch yourselves and begin shifting the pronouns from you and I (“you always do this”; “I am never enough for you”; and so on) to “we.” It’s a way of reestablishing common ground and reminding each other that you’re on the same team. Otherwise, someone becomes a saint and the other a sinner.

2. Own the moves you bring to the dance of dysfunction. People tend to focus on the other person’s moves and the harm they do, but things don’t improve until both accept their own contributions.

3. Own your feelings, and be honest about them. For example, “In that conflict, when you shut down, I felt shaken up and scared. I felt alone.”

4. Take ownership of the way you influence the feelings of your partner. When people are connected emotionally in a romantic relationship it is inevitable that one partner disconnecting will impact the other. Knocking the partner emotionally off-kilter inevitably triggers attachment fears. Own the ways you drag the other person (and yourself) into a tailspin.

5. Once you slow down internally and dial down the noise, you will become curious about your partner’s deeper emotions. Beneath your partner’s anger are tender spots for you (gently) to investigate, instead of just being stuck on your own tender spots. “I see that you’re angry about what I said. Can you tell me what’s underneath that?”

6. Share your own deep, tender emotions with your partner. Showing your fear and shame and sadness reveals to your partner what is on the line for you, and why it feels so risky for you to share. Seeing you accessible is reassuring for your partner.

7. Stand together in the common cause of supporting each other, aware of each other’s vulnerabilities. By doing this, you are fighting for each other, not against each other. You can see escalations as they arise and cool them off instead of heating them up.

It takes practice for deescalation to become second nature within a relationship. There will inevitably be moments of conflict and bewilderment. But the more habits of soothing and reconnecting are embedded in the relationship, the more support a couple can extend to one another, and the more they will be able to pause and ask, “What’s going right now?”

By identifying Demon Dialogues and Raw Spots, and revisiting the conversations that did not go well, a couple gets into the habit of putting out fires and clearing emotional wreckage.  As this becomes a rhythm, you can build in positive conversations that add to the relationship. You want “A.R.E. conversations,” interactions brimming with accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

A.R.E. conversations make it possible for you to discover your own and your partner’s deepest attachment needs—and, by extension, your own and your partner’s deepest longings. Our deepest attachment fear and deepest longing are linked. By learning what you and your partner are most afraid of, you can identify each other's attachment needs and begin to meet them.

Here are some deep attachment needs that people commonly give voice to:

“I need to sense:

-that you love and accept me as I am, with all my shortcomings.

-that I am special to you and you value what we have together.

-that you want me, and that my happiness matters to you.

-that I can rely on you being there for me when I am most vulnerable.

-that you will hear me out and respect what I am saying, without brushing it aside or thinking less of me.”  

Think of a past secure relationship with a friend, colleague, or family member, and picture that person in front of you, asking you what you most fear and most need. This exercise might make the question easier to answer. Reflect on a past insecure relationship and see if you can name what it was you needed but never got. Because these deep needs are so bound with the fear of them going unmet, conversations about the central relational drama of our lives can be scary. If you can’t bring yourself to share these things with your partner, begin by sharing how hard it is to voice your needs—or even to know what they are. It can also be unnerving to be on the listening end if you are not sure how to respond or if you worry you won’t respond in a helpful way. There’s no script for this, but responsiveness (or minimally expressing a desire to be responsive), is key.   

People often conceive of sex as that initial spark or flame that dims with time into a mature friendship. Passion and sensation give way and commitment is what sustains a couple in the end, or so the conventional wisdom goes. Self-help celebrities tell us this, and so does Hollywood. But is it unreasonable to expect lifelong sexual intimacy with a partner? What most people don’t know (or have given up on) is that sex can be a lifelong joy, and the initial obsession just the appetizer in a lifetime of lovemaking.

The problem comes when we make pleasure, performance, and validation the end goals and an open, emotional connection is cut out. When the emotional bond between people is compromised, sex is often the first thing kicked to the curb. Couples who report relational satisfaction attribute 15 to 20 percent of that satisfaction to sex, but those who report more distress and discontent in their relationship typically assign the sexual component far more weight—between 50-70 percent of their dysfunction.

Sex is obviously an important piece for couples, whether present or absent from the relationship, but the depth of trust they have in their emotional bond will shape the ways they have sex. Lovemaking falls into one of three categories: “Sealed-off Sex,” “Solace Sex,” and “Synchrony Sex.”

Sealed-Off Sex is the kind of sex people have when they do not actually trust each other but still need to blow off steam. It’s James Bond sexuality: much more about technique, impressing, and getting an orgasm. Connection is an afterthought or not a thought at all. Those who engage in Sealed-Off Sex usually have short, mechanical, non-affectionate transactions. There’s a reason porn star Ron Johnson’s rule is “absolutely no cuddling.” Touch and mutual affection enhances connection. Whether for biological or cultural reasons, men are more likely to default to Sealed-Off Sex. It’s safer to close oneself off to the emotional connection, but sex without personal connection corrodes love relationships and blocks real eroticism.

Solace Sex treats sex like anti-anxiety meds. Sex is secondary to the main agenda of feeling validated and cherished. It might alleviate negative feelings for a time, but it can also irritate undealt-with Demon Dialogues. For example, if your value is found in your partner’s receptivity to you, the “no” starts to be devastating. When sex becomes a compulsive hit of reassurance to compensate for a lack of soothing touch that couples need throughout the day, the more fundamental connection is missing. According to one psychologist, North Americans are among the least tactile people on earth and experience the misery of what she calls “touch hunger.” For those who default to Solace Sex, abstaining from sex for a few weeks can help couples reconnect through accessible, responsive, and engaged conversations and through rediscovering the power of touch.

Synchrony Sex is sex as its most potent: full of emotional accessibility, tenderness, responsiveness, affection, and eroticism. Partners are tuned into what the other is experiencing in the moment emotionally and physically and respond accordingly, whether it’s escalating toward the rowdy and audacious or meandering toward something more gentle. For couples with a secure bond, lovemaking enhances that bond. The sex is relaxed, and both feel free to surrender to the experience. They are not scared to state their preferences and don’t feel shame or embarrassment when an experiment goes wrong. They are safely attached and don’t worry about the wrong word or botched position breaking the bond.

Secure connection reinforces a gratifying sexual encounter and a gratifying sexual encounter reinforces a secure connection.

In the 21st century, many communal and societal bonds are breaking down. As Robert Putnam frames it in his famous book Bowling Alone, we are hemorrhaging “social capital.” Neighbors aren’t as neighborly. Society is more transient, and we typically miss out on the refuge of long-standing community ties and childhood friendships. Families are not as stable, and even when they are, many young people move away “to start their own lives.” These sociological shifts make the love relationship that much more precious and integral to wellbeing. However transient and career-focused society becomes, surveys continue to reveal that most people consider a satisfying love relationship their top goal, above meaningful career and earnings.

Problem solving and conflict resolution don’t save or sustain these critical love relationships, but responding to your partner’s attachment needs will. By discovering the Demon Dialogues and the Raw Spots that are especially vulnerable, and learning to deescalate spirals, an emotional connection becomes possible again. By having those “A.R.E. conversations” (interactions marked by accessibility, responsiveness, engagement), you can begin strengthening that emotional connection for a lifetime of love.

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