For anyone struggling to sustain the magic of love in their intimate relationships, understanding some key insights about gender differences may prove helpful. Men and women give and receive love differently and have different needs, so we need to change our approach instead of trying to change the person. Friction and resentment are born in relationships not because men and women are different, but because we have forgotten how truly different they are.

Men value competency, efficiency, and achievement. They want to be praised for their effort and they want to prove that they can be successful. When women offer unsolicited advice or mother their male partners, men feel emasculated. Because women value connection they instinctively want to help men by getting involved. The best way to nurture a man is to empower his sense of self. You can empower a man by showing him that you trust him to solve his own problems.

Women value connection and empathic communication. If a woman feels she is not emotionally connected with her man, she projects that onto herself and begins to doubt her self-worth. The greatest complaint women have about men is that they don’t “really listen” before offering a solution. Although solutions are helpful in a practical sense, offering them is counterproductive for building love and trust with a woman. Women get hurt when they feel a conversation intended for emotional expression is hijacked by a blanket solution. They want to connect by processing and discussing what is bothering them.

Because men and women value different things, we need to approach their needs differently. When a woman allows her man to fix his own problems, he gets the chance to prove his masculinity to her. Ironically, when a woman gives a man this freedom, he has more emotional energy to offer his listening ear. When a man empathizes with his woman and gives her freedom to express herself, she receives the validation she needs and so he succeeds in offering her the real solution—not just the one he would prefer.

Men cope with stress differently than women. Typically, men don’t talk about what’s bothering them and because women do, this difference causes confusion in relationships. Men cope with stress by going to their “cave,” where they can be alone to solve their problems or to distract themselves with projects, TV, the news, or games. These activities give them non-relational challenges to face, which strengthens their sense of masculinity. When a man goes to his cave, his partner thinks this is a sign that he doesn’t love her enough to talk, or that he is avoiding intimacy. The very opposite is true—a man withdraws to his “cave” in order to solve the problem without burdening her. In a man’s mind, talking can’t solve the problem anyway, so the most loving thing to do is deal with the problem independently and come back with a solution. Women need to understand that when men withdraw, it is a healthy and natural response to the emotional intensity inherent in relationships.

Women make a grave mistake when they expect men to be in touch with their feelings on the spot. Once a woman understands that her man needs to process his emotions alone, she need not worry about his love for her when he does not automatically volunteer his feelings. The more space you give a man to process his stress, without pressuring him to share or by nagging him, the sooner he will return from his cave and often with a greater enthusiasm to love. In every relationship where a man feels free to withdraw, there is a patient woman loving him well. Wise women know how to give their man space.

When a man falls in love, something truly special happens—his motivation for a relationship transforms from that of selfishness to selflessness. Women have a way of intuitively signaling to men, “I need you, your power and strength can bring me great fulfillment.” When a man feels needed he can successfully overcome his primary fear of failure or incompetence. Before love, these fears kept him from serving others because he wasn’t assured anyone really needed him. When love is fresh, the prospect of being needed is central in a man’s mind, but over time he can feel begin to feel helpless.

Men feel helpless because they don’t know how different a woman’s needs are. Men mistakenly assume that women want them to work hard, make more money, or be attractive. Men think if they can prove they are strong and competent, it will be enough to fulfill their partners. What women really need is for men to validate their emotions and to physically comfort them. Ironically, in moments when a woman needs her man the most, he fails to understand her true needs and volunteers information about how much “he does” or how well “he loves” instead of simply validating how she feels. If a man responds like this enough, his female partner will eventually stop sending signals that she needs him. At this point, the couples’ love may die because it’s too painful for both partners to be starved of having their true needs met.  

When a woman falls in love, something amazing happens. For the first time in her life she believes that someone wants to support her and be her lifelong companion. Men do not know how important it is for a woman to feel like there is someone who would volunteer to help and understand her. Because men need space when they are hurting, they often give their partners the same thing. When a woman is longing for emotional support, giving her space hurts her. She may feel that her strong emotions are too much for her partner to handle or that she is only loved when happy.  For a woman, having a safe space to express her feelings, even the negative ones, is a necessary step before she can return to being her most loving and positive self. 

Women become resentful when they feel they are giving too much and getting nothing in return. In fact, women are often characterized as martyrs in their non-romantic relationships and this is why a man’s love is so empowering for a woman. A man’s love invites her into a safe space where she finally has permission to receive. 

Men need to understand that asking for help is challenging for women because they fear being too needy. Women are afraid of being rejected or abandoned if they ask for too much. Deep down, every woman struggles with feeling worthy to receive. In healthy relationships, men give women the emotional freedom to ask for help and women overcome their fear of asking for support. 

There may be times when you think your partner is speaking a foreign language. It’s true—the opposite sex uses the same language very differently. If we learn the key differences, we can safeguard ourselves against needless miscommunications. Women express “feelings” whereas men express “information.” When women employ superlatives, metaphors, or generalization to express the gravity of their feelings, men become insulted. If a woman says, “We never spend time together,” what she’s really saying is that she feels overwhelmed and longs for more time with her man. Men interpret this information literally as a personal attack on their ability to love. Men want more than anything else to be seen as successful and competent as a partner, so these miscommunications cut deep. Once a man learns her language, he can separate himself from it and validate her feelings for what they are.

It should be added that women need to prioritize appreciating and encouraging their partners when they do listen. If a man is not affirmed for listening, he might lose heart and feel like he isn’t really doing anything.

Unless women know that men retreat after getting close, they will panic when a man pulls away, and in doing so they will interrupt a natural process. For a man, pulling away is necessary and completely healthy, even when he is very much in love. Men need to pull away to feel their autonomy and independence once their intimacy needs are satisfied. Basically, men alternate between intimacy and autonomy. The “pulling away” stage is unique for each man, but generally it can be characterized by emotional distancing, a strong desire for time alone, and a return to the activities and friendships associated with his autonomous life before the relationship. On average, men feel the need to pull away every 30 days. 

Women often obstruct this natural cycle by chasing their man when he pulls away or punishing him. It is valid that a woman may fear the “pulling away” stage, but she needs to remember that he will come back. Some women know they shouldn’t chase or punish, so they become overly accommodating or try to be the perfect mate in a fruitless attempt to get their partner to stop needing to pull away. When women do this, they sacrifice their true emotions to keep the boat afloat and thus suffer emotionally. This is a vicious cycle because when the woman suffers emotionally, the man feels a greater need to pull away because he needs to process his perceived failure at fulfilling his partner. Once a woman understands a man’s intimacy cycle, it releases the pressure for her to do anything when he needs to pull away. The responsibility on the man is to communicate his need to pull away and assure her he will soon return.

When a woman feels bad about herself, it is difficult for her to accept and appreciate her partner. When she is rising on the wave of her intimacy cycle, she is her most loving and true self, happy to love unconditionally. When the wave crashes, she is vulnerable and needs more love. Men need to know to expect this, otherwise they might make unreasonable demands.

The first mistake men make is they assume she feels bad because of him—they take credit for the good and the bad. When a woman hits bottom, she does not need her man to try to help her back up or to take responsibility for it. This only makes her feel worse and makes him feel inadequate to support her. When a woman is down, she needs emotional validation and empathy.

The second mistake men make is assuming that she will get better immediately. The wave has to hit rock bottom before it can rise again—it is just part of her cycle. If she feels the emotional support at the bottom, her trust in her partner’s love will grow and her she will heal from the fall. Once a man realizes that the wave must hit bottom before it can rise again, it lowers the expectation on her to immediately feel better or for him to see the results.

The secret to keeping love alive in all seasons is to understand the 90/10 principle. When men and women fall in love, feelings that could not be expressed in their past invade their consciousness. All our repressed feelings hide until we feel loved and then it is almost as if they come out to be healed. Therefore, sudden bursts of anger, confusion, resentment, or emotional distancing often happen, even when times are good. This can be challenging but remember that 90 percent of your partner’s emotional reactions are from their past and have nothing to do with you. You get the opportunity to exercise love towards those hurts, so they can finally heal. When a man’s past comes up, he is sensitive and needs acceptance. 

When a woman’s past comes up, she is vulnerable and her self-esteem hits rock bottom. Sometimes, the greater the love you experience, the deeper and more painful the feelings from your past are when they surface. It is at this point that most people either run from love or increase their addictions because they are too afraid to reveal what they are feeling. Love is the greatest environment for either a man or a woman’s past to be healed.

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