Even though we may not realize it, our happiness is directly related to our relationships. Unfortunately, we may not be successful at nurturing these relationships. Barker presents us with four questions to help us build better relationships not only with our spouses but with our friends as well. 

·      Can you judge a book by its cover?

·      Does love conquer all?

·      Is a friend in need a friend indeed?

·      Is no man an island?

By answering the following questions, we may improve upon the essential relationships in our lives.

The importance of a first impression has been scientifically proven through many studies. They not only have a huge impact on the first encounter, but also throughout the relationship. However, a “first impression” is akin to “judging a book by its cover” in that we make a snap judgment upon meeting someone for the first time. This is not necessarily a bad thing. 

Our first impressions are usually accurate, but this gets tricky when we acknowledge the biases that already exist in our brains. First impressions also seem to be lasting impressions. This is referred to as “The First Impressions Paradox.” While accurate, they are often hard to change. It is extremely rare that we alter our opinion of others after someone has made an impression. If we focus on altering our judgments, we can learn more about someone beyond our first impression.

Most people believe they are good at observing and interpreting other people’s body language. However, scientific research has shown that people are much less successful at reading feelings than they believe. “Egocentric anchoring” occurs when people believe they are correctly reading their spouse's feelings, but are often mistaken. Once people stop attempting to read too much into someone else’s thoughts and feelings, they can start to ask questions and learn more about that person.

In order to be more successful at connecting to other people, we must be invested and genuinely interested in making that connection. Motivation helps our brains maintain interest. Our lack of interest is dubbed “The Lazy Brain Axiom.” By being genuinely interested and curious in others, we can build on existing relationships as well as establish new bonds.

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The root of friendship can be found in the altruistic nature of humans. The instinct to selflessly help others is part of who we are. There is a belief that friends are extensions of ourselves, which makes this altruistic nature almost seem selfish. The concept of “another self” dates back to 50 BC when Cicero said, “for a true friend is one who is, as it were, a second self.” And we can also see it in the Old Testament which states “love thy friend as thyself.” Having a friend as “another self” allows for empathy. We can relate and be empathetic to one another because we see ourselves in them.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is an important part of building friendships. When others show their vulnerability, we naturally want to comfort them. While our society perceives vulnerability as a weakness, it is essential in friendships. Feeling emotionally safe and secure will help our friendships flourish.

Friendship requires the use of “costly” signals. These are signals which are valuable and help to maintain the friendship. They are not simple words like “I’m here for you,” but are actions that show you are there for the other person. By showing up for someone you give them your time, which is the most precious thing you have. When Barker asks whether “a friend in need is a friend indeed,” he ultimately answers yes.  When you know you can count on someone, that friendship is invaluable.

Most people would think of marriage or romantic relationships as the ones requiring the most maintenance. But friendships also need support. As we get older, we seem to have fewer friends and maintaining those friendships seems to get more difficult. When we are younger, we do not have spousal relationships or child/parent relationships to focus on. The number of friends a person has peaks in the teenage years. While friendships affect happiness and health more than a marriage does, somehow they don’t receive the proper attention. Friendship never grows out of obligation, but rather choices one makes. While this makes friendship fragile, it also makes it deliberate. We must realize that friendships must be nurtured and that the benefits they provide are endless.

The history of marriage is interesting for the fact that it was instituted more for economic growth and partnership than actual love. Simply put, love was not the focus for much of human history. Instead, advancing one’s wealth or social status was. In ancient times, love was a threat to marriage. If passion was involved, it was usually outside of the marriage. This remained the norm until after the Enlightenment era in the 1700s, during which people became more independent financially. Now people did not need to get married for financial advancement, but instead started marrying for love. It seems that this is when marriages begin to fail.

Successful marriages rely on healthy communication. When we stop communicating, we stop caring. Fighting may seem negative, but it shows that you still have a passion for the other person. If you simply avoid any conflict, you never verbalize your wants and desires. In the absence of conflict, you also might start assuming you know what your partner is thinking without him or her ever expressing it to you. Once you start making assumptions, you no longer put forth the effort to learn your partner’s thoughts and feelings.

Top relationship researcher John Gottman uses an analogy of the Four Horsemen to show us where marriages often deteriorate. They consist of criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt. By addressing these four elements, we can communicate more clearly and effectively. We also encourage our partners to communicate more openly. While the Four Horsemen can lead to divorce, the four Rs can lead to a healthy marriage:

 ·     Rekindle feelings through self-expansion.

·      Remind yourself of intimacy through “love maps.”

·      Renew your intimacy with the “Michelangelo effect.”

·      Rewrite your story. Again and again.

To rekindle the romance you felt at the beginning of a relationship, continue to date as if it is the beginning. Self-expansion, such as engaging in interesting and new activities together, will keep the relationship healthy. Learning our partner’s “love maps” helps to maintain a healthy relationship. By learning everything from their hopes and dreams to the way they like their coffee, we can bond on a deeper level. The “Michelangelo effect” will help you to appreciate your partner for who they are. Michelangelo believed his sculptures were already in the marble before he began his work. If you nurture your partner through positivity and support, you can “reveal” your ideal partner. Happiness is contagious and feeling it together strengthens the relationship bond. 

Sometimes, you must remind yourself to reconnect with your partner, explore their values and take a general interest in their day-to-day lives. By renewing the best self of your partner, you encourage them to nurture that side of themselves. The idea is to promote self-expansion and return to the idealization that occurred at the onset of the relationship. Each marriage and relationship is a shared love story, one that the parties write together. You are not the only character in the story. 

Man is certainly NOT an island. This is evident  throughout history, but the unfortunate loss of community that we currently face has diminished healthy communication. Our relationships have taken a direct hit as social interaction has lessened with the rise of technology. Studies prove that healthy relationships lead to healthier lives and increased longevity. Loneliness has become commonplace and, in a sense, a health crisis.

The major difference between loneliness and solitude is that loneliness is subjective. Historically, one would seek solitude to connect to the inner self and explore their own spiritual nature. But loneliness is a completely different feeling than that of solitude. The desire for solitude is the desire to be alone, whereas loneliness occurs by circumstance. Lack of relationships, friendships, and family leads to a sense of loneliness. Our biological makeup requires us to maintain close personal relationships. We need them. Modern technology has removed some of that closeness. Instead of making phone calls to close friends and family, we send texts or emails out of convenience. Everyday activities such as shopping can even be done from the comfort of home, minimizing human interaction by preventing a trip to the store. Not much is being done to repair our loss of community.

It will help us to learn more about our culture if we look at the ways in which we gain popularity among our peers. The two ways to become popular are status and likeability. Status in society leads to greater opportunities, but it is not entirely fulfilling and can deteriorate over time. Likeability is an innate quality that leads to long-term stability and happiness. Given the choice, most people would choose status over likability, which leads to our next issue. Unfortunately, our culture has become extremely individualistic, leading to an uptick in narcissism. We no longer feel connected to others and seem to be concerned mostly with our own lives.

We can learn of a surprising communal connection by studying the placebo effect. In a recently published medical study, patients felt relief from symptoms ranging from back pain to depression even when they were aware they had received a placebo. In addition to the placebo pill, patients also received attention and care, which seemed to have as much of a positive effect as their confidence in the pills they received. Caring really did aid with healing in these scenarios. This study is a clear demonstration that with individualism at the forefront, we long for any opportunity to make a human connection.

Technology has undoubtedly led to this lack of community. While we are advancing technologically, we are retreating socially. Individualism was not an option in early human history; people had no choice but to work together in society. It was easier to build strong relationships. Today, we all bear a heavy burden to repair relationships and community. It will not be easy, but just as with marriage, we must put in the work.

In conclusion, we are left with this very simple approach to the meaning of life: A sense of belonging is necessary for us to feel that our lives have meaning. We are happiest when we feel a sense of community. Prior to our current emphasis on individualism, we framed our lives with the comfort of others. Support was easily found within our tight-knit communities. Family was at the forefront of our lives and communication was verbal and plentiful. 

Just like a married couple drifting slowly apart, we are writing our own stories—-and there are many characters. We can choose to be united and write together, or choose the lonely path we are on currently. We must come together to combat the individualistic nature of our society. The memories we hold most dear are almost always the ones of times when we are surrounded by people we love. 

There is an old African proverb that states, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” This proverb illustrates the need for community. If we want to go far, we need each other. If we want to succeed as a society, we must all be on board and be willing to help one another.

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