In a society full of perfectionists, many hide in shame because they inevitably fall short of such an impossible standard. Psychologist and researcher Brené Brown exposes this all-too-common phenomenon of interpreting imperfections as signs of inadequacy. She then goes on to argue that these areas of vulnerability are not failures but amazing opportunities to show courage, exercise true compassion, and connect with others.

Once you observe a pattern in your life, it’s difficult to “unobserve” it. We humans are wired to assign meaning to things, to make sense of the phenomena before our eyes and within our minds.

Self-awareness is vital to growth, but loving yourself in the process is even more vital. The wholehearted life we all want depends on this self-acceptance. Without it, self-awareness will only perpetuate shame. Self-acceptance is not just imperative for us, but also for the people to whom we are closest. We can’t give what we ourselves do not possess.

People refer to the midlife season of angst as a “crisis,” but it’s more of an unraveling. During this unraveling season (or any other, like moving, marrying, divorcing, having a child, finding a new job, trudging through an unfulfilling job, experiencing grief) we feel a tug toward living for what we ourselves consider most important rather than living for what others think is important.

These times of loss and transition are opportunities in disguise. They are significant junctures in life’s journey. This journey toward wholeheartedness  requires both heart and mind. The suggestions and clarifications in this book are not checklists to be completed daily or weekly. Showing others who we truly are is our life’s work. It takes time, and it’s deeply challenging, sometimes painful, but ultimately enriching soul work that leads to the wholehearted life we all desire.

Ideals like courage and compassion seem hard to live up to when we hate ourselves and feel inadequate. The good news is that these are not new standards for us to achieve, but resources already at our disposal. You feel weak and vulnerable? Perfect! These vulnerabilities are opportunities for you to put these tools to work in your everyday life.

The word “courage” used to refer to speaking frankly about one’s inner life. Cor is the Latin word for heart. It’s now become synonymous with heroism, which is certainly needed in our world, but it also gives the sense that it’s a lofty ideal that precious few achieve. But to speak your mind to others, to share what’s going on is truly courageous. It’s not easy, but there are opportunities to employ this kind of courage everyday.

Compassion is another word whose meaning has been diluted over time. Most people think of compassion as feeling sorry for someone. One American Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön, gets closer to the original meaning when she defines compassion as “mov[ing] gently toward what scares us.” In the original Latin, compassion meant “to suffer with.”

There is something scary about exercising compassion because it sometimes means sitting in pain, another’s or our own. When we encounter pain, we usually take self-protective measures. Some of the most common forms of this are judgmentalism or the “let me fix you” attitude. To resist the “doing” impulse by just being with someone is a far more valuable exercise.

With compassion comes boundaries. Boundaries are essential but rarely discussed in connection with compassion. It might surprise some to learn that the people who practice compassion best are those who also have well-defined boundaries. On the face of it, boundaries and accountability sound isolating and guilt inducing, but they actually enable us to show compassion well because we no longer feel used or manipulated by others. Feeling manipulated or taking actions that others have chosen for us are prime conditions for blaming and shaming someone. Compassionate fruit will never spring from a bitter root.

Connection can be understood as the bond between people when one makes the other (or both make each other) feel  seen, heard, and accepted. It’s a strengthening relationship in which there is freedom instead of judgment. Science is catching up with our hunch that we’re hardwired for connection with other people. We need it desperately and are beginning to recognize just how dangerous isolation can be.

Technology has confused our understanding of connectedness. It’s often a veneer of connectedness, but so many “connected” people feel unheard, unseen, and undervalued. Why do we even bother going to parks and restaurants together if we spend most of our time in our virtual worlds? Real connection is not as easy as swiping right. It is a gift.

A life in which you are willing to reveal yourself to others, in which you choose to walk with others through their pain, and choose to stay connected requires deliberate action—especially in a culture losing its grasp of the meaning of courage, compassion, and connection.

People make their sense of worth conditional. When I get my degree, I’ll be worth something. If I can lose fifty pounds, I’ll be worthy. If I make my family proud, I’ll be worthy. These if/when statements bar us from freedom and joy because we always manage to find new arbitrary standards to aim for once we’ve accomplished the previous standards.

The more fundamental problem is that we reject the parts of our story that we don’t like, that don’t align with the person we think we should be. This leaves us feeling fragmented and scared. We feel a keen sense of lack when we can’t accept our story, and we will do just about anything to fill it. We people-please, we perform, we try to do everything perfectly.

This is one of life’s major challenges: accepting yourself as you are. Right now. Not a future version of you that’s graduated and fifty pounds lighter, but the “you” in this moment. With all your amazing qualities and shortcomings, you are worthy. 

Without genuine love and belonging, we fall apart. This is because humans are emotionally, biologically, neurologically, and spiritually designed for it. Love is more than a feeling. Feelings come and go. It’s a spiritual connection that’s deepened and cultivated through action. If we say, “I love you,” but fail to demonstrate that love in practice, our loftiest declarations of love sound hollow. The connection will weaken and we will become exhausted by the disconnect. Both people will feel isolated. To conceive of love as an action rather than feeling is to take a proactive stance of responsibility and accountability. Belonging is another primal human longing. Each of us wants to be connected to something bigger than ourselves. This is why people spend their whole lives looking for approval and trying to fit in.

These conclusions about love and belonging are based on thousands of interviews conducted over the course of a decade about the things that matter most. Love and belonging are some of the most sought-after human experiences. They’re also uncommon experiences because many people find it easier to hate themselves than to give themselves a break.

To love others requires the courage to show people who we are, both our strengths and our imperfections. So if you cannot accept yourself, you will struggle to reveal those imperfect parts to others. You will perform and please, but not establish the emotional, spiritual connection that can only grow when we are truly known. This is why belonging is antithetical to simply fitting in. Love belongs with belonging. You will not experience belonging if you aren’t being loved for who you truly are. You may put on a front to fit in. You will not experience belonging if you are not loved for who you truly are. You may put on a front to “fit in” but you’ve presented yourself as someone you’re not. They will love someone else entirely: the façade you’ve placed before them. Trying to fit in is a barrier to belonging. Loving yourself will enable you to love others because you can give them the gift of courageous self-revelation.

Everyone gravitates to the “how to” self-helps because they want shortcuts to happiness. But it’s critical to understand what gets in the way of wholeness. Shame is perhaps the most formidable barrier. We have mental tapes that play in moments of vulnerability or the thought of vulnerability that dissuade us from utilizing our gifts of imperfection (i.e., courage, compassion, and connection). These voices tell us that we are inadequate, that we have ample reason to reject ourselves. They say things like:

What would people think if they found this out about me?

If people knew what I was really like, what I’ve done, I’d lose their admiration.

I can adapt to others if it means I’ll be accepted.

I’m not talented (or popular or cool or competent or kind or masculine or feminine) enough to accept myself.

Who do I think I am putting my art or ideas out there for others to see?

Shame is essentially the fear of being unlovable, which is the opposite of owning one’s story and sense of self-worth. In order to build the strength to withstand shame, it’s important to remember that everyone experiences feelings of shame, and just about everyone is afraid to talk about it. The more we avoid talking about it, the more formidable and crippling is the specter of shame.

As a society, we’re swimming in it. Research has revealed that those who deal with shame effectively understand it and know the particular expectations that creep in and lead to shame. They’re able to hold those words and expectations up to the light of reality and see them for what they are: attempts to equate their imperfection with inadequacy. They are willing to share their stories with trusted individuals, using the language of shame. They are able to articulate their needs and feelings.

Perfectionists constantly put themselves on trial, and the verdict inevitably comes back “guilty as charged for not being good enough.” Perfectionism is the root of all kinds of issues: depression, because you’re angry at yourself for your inadequacy; addiction, because you haven’t found a constructive way to confront the shame; and anxiety, because there are so many things that can go wrong when sense of worth is founded on things beyond your control, such as other’s perceptions of you. A general life paralysis is another common outcome because the perfectionist feels safer doing nothing than risking failure and letting others down. Perfectionism is more common in people who grew up getting praised for straight A’s and good manners and being on best behavior.

It is important to distinguish perfectionism from striving for excellence and from self-improvement. Desiring achievement and growth are healthy impulses, but perfectionism turns them into tactics for garnering admiration. Perfectionists are dependent on others for a sense of worth rather than claiming their own inherent worth, that they are already good enough.

This is why compassion is a critical tool and gift. If you’re like most people, you don’t know how to give yourself a break. Kindness toward self is more constructive than self-flagellation. Treating yourself with gentleness and patience becomes easier when we remember that frailty and vulnerability are parts of the human experience.