Marriage isn’t always easy, but couples can still find healing and fulfillment by incorporating these suggestions from renowned psychologist and relationship specialist John Gottman.

The strongest indicators of an impending separation and divorce have less to do with whether a couple argues and more to do with the manner in which they argue. 96 percent of the time, how a conversation ends can be determined by the tone that is set in the first three minutes. So if negativity, sarcasm, and invective pervade the first three minutes, it will likely end similarly. There are two ways to enter into conflict: with harsh start-ups or gentle start-ups. Harsh start-ups end in failure and harm more than resolution. If a conversation begins in such a way, it’s better to end it early, back off, and try again later with a gentler tack.

There are Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that show up in marriages that are starting to tank: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

You will have complaints about your spouse, just as your spouse will have complaints about you. These are very different than criticisms. Complaints are constructive; they address a specific situation and voice a preferred way to handle the situation. For example, “I am upset because you forgot to do the dishes before our guests came over like we’d agreed upon. Can you please do them now?” Complaints are soft start-ups. Criticisms, by contrast, are harsh start-ups; they are more direct attacks on character or personality: “When are you going to stop being so forgetful? You never do anything no matter how many times I ask!” They often contain words like “always” and “never.”

The First Horseman of the Relational Apocalypse is criticism. The Second Horseman is contempt. Contempt enters in when a spouse assumes an air of superiority. The contemptuous spouse believes he has taken the moral high ground in the relationship and views the other with disgust. The other’s attempts to make things better are met with cynicism, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or biting humor. Not only do contemptuous people tend to be more susceptible to colds, the flu, and other illnesses, their marriages are devastated by the negative thoughts about the partner that they’ve stewed in for years.

The Third Horseman is defensiveness, another backdoor approach to blaming your spouse. Defensiveness essentially says, “No, I’m not the problem—you are!”

There is not always a special order to these three horsemen. They often feed on one another. If these horsemen frequent a marriage for an extended period of time, then the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, stonewalling, will likewise make an appearance. Harsh start-ups, criticism, and contempt can only be tolerated for so long before one of the spouses begins to tune the other out. A wife berates her husband, and he becomes less responsive. She continues and he leaves the room without a word. He dodges the fight, but he also sidesteps his marriage. Both men and women do this, but it is far more common among men. To avoid being overwhelmed or “flooded,” the spouse “checks out.”

These are telling signs of marital failure. If these signs are present in your marriage, not all is lost. It’s not over ’til it’s over. Far more marriages can be salvaged than are currently being salvaged. Those who stick with it and employ these principles often steer the love boat clear of the rocks.

There have been some runaway bestsellers about how marriage conflicts stem from fundamental differences between men and women, that the sexes are worlds away from each other. Even in happily married, heterosexual relationships, each spouse is “alien” to the other according to these authors. But there is a great deal more similarity than difference between the sexes. By a margin of 70 percent, friendship was the decisive factor behind satisfaction with sex, romance, and passion in marriage among women. That number was exactly the same for men.

Gender differences can be a contributing factor to conflicts, but they are not the root of those conflicts. Men and women are both from Earth—not Mars or Venus.

That being said, women and men are not the same. There are differences in women and men in how they process conflict. Far and away, men are biologically ill-equipped for dealing with conflict in the marriage compared to women. Men have more volatile cardiovascular systems, and don’t recover from stress as quickly as women. When there is conflict or even a sudden loud noise, men’s blood pressure often reaches higher levels and stays higher far longer.

This helps explain why the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, stonewalling, is much more common among men than women. If criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are fight responses, then stonewalling is the flight side of the coin. It’s an attempt to protect oneself from what comes across as an attack. It might sound dramatic to say someone is trying to save his or her life by stonewalling, but the same parts of the brain are firing when someone deals with a spiteful spouse as when someone runs from a pack of wolves. Genes haven’t caught up with societal changes, so we respond physiologically to scary moments much like cave people did. Only what constitutes a scary moment has changed.

Surveys reveal that the majority of clients are satisfied with their therapists. Marriage therapy is the glaring exception. The problem with conventional marital counseling—and the reason marriages often fail in spite of it—is that it takes for granted that better communication and healthier conflict resolution are the keys to restoring marriages.

Almost all marriage therapists are barking up the wrong tree. Good communication is significant, but it’s not the totality of what a couple needs to straighten out their marriage. There are married couples that aren’t great “active listeners” (a buzzword in couples counseling), but they still report high satisfaction in their marriage. Conversely, there are plenty of couples that practice active listening, but still end up relapsing into perennial conflict and divorcing. The negative overriding feelings can crowd out the good.

Instead of trying to improve communication, improve your love maps. “Love maps” refer to knowledge of the spouse’s world. How familiar are you with your spouse’s likes, dislikes, quirks, ticks, hopes, and fears? What’s the name of her annoying coworker? What’s the music he listens to when he thinks no one else is around? What would she likely order at a restaurant?

One doctor spent far more time in the hospital where he worked than with his family. He spent most nights at the hospital and did not know even the most basic things about home life. He didn’t know the name of the family dog, the names of his kids’ friends, or which bedroom led to the backyard. This is an extreme case, but anyone can fall into habits of inattention. Love maps can always be enhanced.

The more detailed your love maps, the better equipped you and your spouse will be to handle the crises and disturbances that inevitably come up. One event that often precipitates a plunge in marital satisfaction is the birth of the first child. This was true in 67 percent of cases in a study of newlywed couples. Of the remaining 33 percent, half found that their intimacy as a couple had grown. Of those who noted an uptick in marital satisfaction rather than a drop, all had intricate love maps, and were able to keep up with the spouse’s rapid emotional changes.

Think back to when you and your spouse were still going on dates, when the relationship was still nascent. What sort of memories and emotions come to mind?  Are they positive or negative?

How a couple views their past is the best way to tell whether they have fondness and admiration for each other. These are critical pieces to any successful long-term relationship. Affection and fondness towards the other means you still consider your spouse worthy of dignity, love, and respect.

Some couples are so buried in layers of resentment and frustration that they can no longer remember what it was that they found attractive and special about the other. In other cases, the marriage has become so toxic that it’s poisoned the past, and even the positive memories of the past are now tainted and twisted. If this sounds eerily familiar, your marriage is in serious trouble. A relationship cannot be brought back to life without any positive memories of the other. If, however, there remains even a slight flicker in love’s smoldering ember, there is hope!

19 times in 20, couples that view their marriage’s history and their spouse’s personality in a positive light will enjoy a bright future together. At one level, this seems like common sense, but fondness and affection are fragile things, and without an awareness of their centrality to friendship (which should be at the heart of every relationship), they can deteriorate. Cultivating these things is the best safeguard against contempt. Without fondness and affection, contempt will grow in your heart. You will feel disgust toward your spouse, and you will feel that it’s warranted. The fourth horseman of stonewalling won’t be far behind.

Fondness and affection can begin to make a comeback as you become more alert to the little things that you appreciate about your partner. As you build the habit of looking for the good, you will likely be reminded of things you like about him or her, and you’ll probably discover new things, too. Be sure to let your spouse know! Tell them what you're observing and that you are thankful for it. They don’t have to be colossal feats, but the small gems hidden in the minutiae of ordinary living.

You might feel fake as you begin to do this. That’s okay. But remember, you’re not papering over something that’s rotten: what you’re really doing is moving toward a more realistic view of the relationship.

Hollywood paints an unrealistic picture of what leads to a steamy romance. It’s not a man sweeping up a woman in his arms. It’s usually the more monotonous tasks that make the other person feel loved. Every day, both partners make what can be called “bids.” These are attempts to get the attention, support, and tenderness of a spouse. Some are small things like a massage. Others are more demanding, like supporting your spouse whose parent is battling cancer.

But even in the small things, it is by turning toward each other that emotional connection, passion, and a fulfilling sex life comes. It’s going to the grocery store when she is sick and would love some chicken noodle soup. It’s sending him a text to cheer him up as he goes to an interview. Most fights between spouses have more to do with ignoring the other’s small “bids” for attention or affirmation than big topics like finances or sex. At the Love Lab in Seattle, couples who remained married heard and responded to each other’s bids 86 percent of the time. Those couples that had filed for divorce only said “yes” to these opportunities to connect 33 percent of the time.

Whenever you choose to turn toward your spouse instead of away, you are putting funds into the emotional bank account. You’ll be glad for that buffer when stormier seasons come because you have reserves of goodwill and understanding that keeps you in the relational black.

The two biggest obstacles are not seeing a bid that’s cloaked in negative emotions and allowing electronics and digital communication to distract you from turning to each other.

Allow your spouse to influence you. The results of a nine-year study of 130 newlywed couples very clearly show that marriages tend to be happier when men allow their wives to influence them. Those marriages in which the husband is unwilling to share decision-making power with his wife had a 19 percent chance of survival.

The sword cuts both ways on this: women and men should be open to the influence of the other, but the data shows that it is far and away men who have the bigger problem with this. In the vast majority of marriages—even unhealthy ones—the wives tend to be respectful and honoring of their husbands. This doesn’t make them cherubs: they’re capable of contempt and criticism just as men are. But in conflicts, men are far more likely to up the ante by increasing negativity than women are. This is a significant gender difference: women will respond to criticism by matching their husband’s tone or toning it down, but 65 percent of men in the study did not take either tack when confronted by their wives: they would bring out one of the four horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling) to keep some sense of control. In other words, they resisted the wife’s influence.

The good news is that emotionally intelligent husbands are on the rise. The studies on newlywed couples suggests that 35 percent are emotionally intelligent. This figure is far higher than it has been in previous generations. Emotional intelligence among husbands is the next major piece in our social evolution. It’s simple, but a husband’s honor and respect for his wife changes everything. Understanding of emotions makes a difference for not just marriages, but also in raising kids. Families are better off when both mom and dad are coaching their kids on how to handle their emotions.

When power is shared in a marriage, couples tend to be more satisfied. When the husband invites his wife’s influence, the wife will become far more open to his. Power can be shared and marriages can thrive in egalitarian or patriarchal marriages. The main thing is that both respect and honor the other. The emotionally intelligent husband realizes that if he is not open to being influenced, he will have precious little influence himself. He has learned that in order to win, you have to yield sometimes.

These insights are just an introduction. If you're ready to dive deeper, pick up a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work here. And since we get a commission on every sale, your purchase will help keep this newsletter free.