In a world that seems fast-paced, we have lost the art of serenity, of being still. We hunt the next high, we chase the next craze, accrue more things, but where does this get us? Paradoxically, for all our chasing, we miss out on so much! In The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, Sunim offers reflections on life, love, relationships, and spirituality, illuminating aspects of the human condition that we are prone to forget.

Many believe that there is a clear line between your inner world and the world “out there.” One of the Buddha’s key insights was that this division is arbitrary and illusory.

We are drawn to certain things in the world around us. We notice some things but not others, yet those few things we do notice we take to comprise the universe’s entirety. These things have reality because we have awareness of them. The world would not exist at all without a mind to perceive it.

What do you notice? If you only notice the things that you consider sad, so too will be your world. We are limited in what we perceive, but thankfully we can choose the objects of our attention. The attendant state of mind will reflect wisely-chosen objects of interest.

Our lives can move at a frenetic pace, but it is comforting to remember that the world is not hectic: the busyness is in the mind. We perceive the world according to our state of mind. If our minds are at rest, we will perceive the world as at rest. Perspective is key.   

So when tragedy strikes, do not react immediately, but rest for a moment. Have a meal with close friends, and tell them your story of loss, failure, or hurt. Consider watching a comedy and laugh until your sides split. Find a song that speaks to your place of pain and sing it out for the sake of all others who suffer for similar reasons. Sometimes you might need a vacation by yourself to reflect. We can all relate to feelings of betrayal or loss. Rest will give you the perspective you need.

A question that people often ask is, “What do I do with my feelings of anger, jealousy, and hatred?” What they do not realize is they are already halfway to the solution. It requires mindfulness to recognize that you are angry.

The problem is that many people respond to negative emotions by trying to control them. They seek to eradicate the feelings as quickly as possible. But that which we resist persists. Just as you cannot clear the muddy water by sticking your hand into it and pushing the silt to the bottom, so you cannot get a clear view of your feelings by trying to control or suppress them. Those feelings will always resurface again.

A better approach is to separate energy from labels. Observing the feeling as its energy rises and falls within you. We are quick to attach labels to feelings and feelings to our identity: “I am angry” or “I am sad.” By labeling and attaching these negative emotions to ourselves, we give them a permanence and a power that they do not deserve.

Just as a mirror reflects without passing judgment, so we, too, must observe our emotions dispassionately rather than evaluate them. Quiet, objective reflection is the best way to deal with emotions. This is not evading reality; it is choosing to courageously face it head on. When we make emotions our friends instead of making war against them, we see them as they are: impermanent as a wisp of cloud.

So if you find yourself feeling down, don’t try to change your feelings. Observe them; view them as you would a tranquil natural setting, like a meadow or a stream in a sunlit forest. Even just a few minutes of gentle observation will do wonders. What is the texture and quality of the feelings? Can you see the way they shift and morph over time?

Just as you cannot control a coworker’s sour mood or stop the rain from falling, so you cannot control emotions. If you give them too much power, they will rule you and ruin you. You are not your feelings. You are more than the limiting narrative that has come to dictate who you are.

We all enjoy being right. It’s a notch in the ego’s belt. To persuade someone to our side feels great. But is the ego ever sated? Of course it isn’t. It takes maturity to refrain from foisting our values and beliefs on others. When we consider the damage some have caused in their attempts to be right, perhaps harmony is worth a second look. What is the point of having correct beliefs if they isolate others and harm relationships?  If we cannot live at peace with one another, we have a more fundamental problem on our hands.

Maintaining good relationships is important—far more important, in fact, than the nice car, large mansion, or perfect physique. You might turn heads as you drive your Ferrari to your home on Palm Beach, but without meaningful relationships, you will feel isolated, empty, and depressed. Some have been fortunate enough to grow up with friends and family who provide the love and stability needed to weather life’s storms and enjoy its sunshine.

Relationships are comparable to sitting by a fire: we need the warmth, but not allowing enough space can leave us uncomfortable or even burned. On the other extreme, we can be cold and alone, deprived of the life-giving warmth that a fire offers. A balance must be struck between too cold and alone and too warm and stifled.

Hubris is at the root of numerous conflicts and often results in physical and emotional hurt. When people try to prove your beliefs wrong, it is best to thank them for helping you understand a different point of view instead of fighting. Diversity of upbringing, religious background, beliefs, and values can make peaceful coexistence difficult, especially when people aggressively challenge your beliefs. See these people in your life as heaven-sent opportunities for growth and maturity.

In this life, there is suffering. This suffering will sometimes come at the hands of others. When you are betrayed, forgive. When you are abandoned, forgive. They are not entitled to your forgiveness, but forgive them anyway, not for their sake, but for your own.

Experience the hurt. Let the full force of the pain and anger pass over you. If tears come, permit them to flow, and do not scold them. When the wave has passed, you must choose to forgive. How does it benefit you to harbor resentment? Forgiveness will not only set the offender free, but it will also free you. You will be a slave to bitterness otherwise, trapped in an emotional, spiritual prison of your own construction.

The negative feelings will no doubt surface from time to time even after you forgive. Allow yourself to experience these emotions instead of stuffing them. Face them head on, observing their form and location in your body with quiet dispassion. When the emotional muddy silt has settled at the bottom of your soul’s river, you will have the clarity to identify deeper emotions beneath the lingering anger.

This exercise is painful, but will ultimately bring healing. As your heart becomes more open and gentle once again, contemplate the person who brought you suffering. Consider his life and try to look beneath the facades of his false self. You will likely find another suffering person in need of compassion. Will you give him that compassion?

Kahlil Gibran was a Lebanese immigrant who grew up in a Boston hovel at the turn of the twentieth century. Today he is known throughout the world for his poetry on spirituality, love, and mysticism. Among his most famous and moving works are Jesus the Son of Man and The Prophet. Even for a young boy or girl who has not yet known the heights of love or the deep valleys of tragedy, his words evoke emotion and give a glimpse of what it means to love and be loved.

Even more poignant than his verses is the correspondence between Gibran and Mary Haskell. Haskell discovered Gibran’s art and then commissioned his work for years. She was his patroness, and she loved his art; he, on the other hand, loved her. His letters contain stirring reflections on love and friendship. The fact that Haskell wrote to a love-struck Gibran several years later informing him that she was to be married to another makes the story of his love for her all the more poignant.

Those who have experienced similar grief develop a kinship with Gibran, not only through his writing but through his life’s journey as well. Trite as it may strike some, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Even love lost teaches us; it helps us learn selflessness, and treats us to an aroma of Transcendence. If you allow the scent to linger, feelings of loss will slowly transform into feelings of thankfulness.

When Americans see a monk in a gray robe walking New York’s streets, the questions they ask of him usually revolve around activities: “Do you know kung fu?” “How many hours a day do you meditate?” In Korea, the questions tend to center around place and belonging: “In which temple do you live and practice?” In Korea, there is a tendency to connect identity to background. This is disconcerting because background does not determine anyone’s present ability or future potential.

Speaking of the future, here are some insights that can liberate your heart from anxiety about the unknown.

A) People are not half as interested in you as you often believe. If you are not convinced, think for a moment about how often other people—even close friends and family members—cross you mind. Chances are it is not frequently, and that you do not dwell on their lives, their choices, their new haircuts or fashion style. 

B) Not everyone is going to like you, and that is okay. Chances are you don’t like everyone; so why would you place such an expectation on your shoulders? It is an unnecessary burden.

C) We are more self-interested than we would like to admit. Chances are even our most altruistic moments are tainted by some ulterior motive.

Even if you suffer from an inordinate preoccupation with self, do not be discouraged. You still have tremendous potential to bring encouragement to others. You can probably recall particular moments where a parent, a close friend, or teacher saw something in you that you did not see in yourself at that time. It might have been someone telling you that she had high hopes for you and believed that you will help others someday. Such words of encouragement can be the watershed moments that alter someone’s life trajectory. In an ancient Buddhist text Lotus Sutra, the Buddha tells 500 of his followers that they will all become Buddhas eventually. This message had an invigorating effect for his disciples. The Buddha’s confidence in their spiritual progression fueled their spiritual fervor.

Even for those who have been fortunate enough to be propelled forward by the encouraging words of others, direction does not always make itself perfectly clear. For those who are wondering about their calling, it is important to have patience with yourself. Your calling typically unfurls over many years—not a few moments. Reading widely, being willing to have new experiences, growing in self-awareness of the environments and tasks in which you thrive—all of these will make a huge difference. It is also important that your passions—not others’ expectations—are what drive your explorations. 

In a famous passage in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells his followers, “Do not judge, so that you will not be judged. For in the way that you judge, so you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, so it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2). Said another way, “You reap what you sow.” The biblical injunction is a wonderful call to self-examination.

If we are threatened by simply hearing about other faiths, our personal faith may not be as substantial as we supposed. We can learn and benefit from other spiritual traditions. The Christian tradition, for example, has been a source of inspiration and grounding for many. Studying other scriptures can make us more humble as we realize no one religion has a monopoly on truth.

You might have a family member or friend who is trying to convert you to a new spirituality they have adopted. Before you react in anger or defensiveness, remember that the spirituality is not the problem, but their approach. Have compassion. Adopt the position of learner. This will lead to harmony in your relationships and bring you benefit as you learn more about an unfamiliar path.